MENTEUR SAC DE MERDER, SOUTH CAROLINA — Sources close to situation have informed various news outlets throughout the country that a former Governor of South Carolina may have never actually lived in the state she was supposed to be representing.
Former Gov. Nikki Haley left the South Carolinian governor’s office in 2017 to become President Donald Trump’s Ambassador to the United Nations. At the time she was selected, there were many wondering how she got herself on the shortlist of candidates to fill that role, given that she’d never served in any kind of international, diplomatic position before. Whatever his reasons were at the time, President Trump appointed Haley as his ambassador to the United Nations, and she served in that position up until the end of last year.
Ambassador Haley is currently touring the country, doing media appearances and promoting her new book, “With All Due Respect.” As is to be expected, because her book tour happens to be taking place while her former boss is embroiled in an impeachment investigation run by House Democrats, she has been fielding questions all along the way about him, his fitness for office, and his general honesty (or lack thereof). Haley has raised quite a few eyebrows already with her answers.
Curiously, Haley has insisted that Trump is a truthful person, despite having told literally thousands of well-documented lies since taking office. Whether or not his fitness for office is a subjective question, and certainly there are arguments to be made for that being the case, it seemed odd to many people on both sides of the aisle that Haley would be so forceful in her defense of Trump’s truthfulness, given the sheer volume of mendacity he’s belched forth into the ether via his Twitter account and while shouting at reporters on the White House lawn.
Now comes word from people with firsthand knowledge that Haley may have been acting as South Carolina’s governor, and Trump’s U.N. ambassador, without living in the Palmetto State.
“It has come to our attention that Ms. Haley does not now, and likely never has resided in South Carolina, or on Earth for that matter,” Cheryl Hopskillia, a private detective working cases in South Carolina told reporters today. “We cannot speak to whether she broke any laws by serving as governor when she didn’t live here, nor when she was U.N. ambassador. However, we felt compelled to publish the findings of our investigation anyway.”
Hopskillia said she has uncovered evidence that Haley has been living in a place called Opposite Land. In opposite land, Hopskillia says, “up is down, down is up, and a D-list reality TV hosts and lifelong conmen are truth telling stable geniuses.” The fact that Haley considers herself smart, Hopskillia says, is more evidence that she does not “live anything close to resembling the real world.”
“Nikki Haley may be a nice woman, though something tells me working for a racist sack of shit that gleefully kidnaps kids from their parents and stuffs them all into cages in concentration camps isn’t really all that nice,” Hopskillia explained. “What she is definitely not, however, is smart. She’s as dull as a melted crayon. She’s smart like Tomi Lahren is an insightful intellectual. She’s intelligent like Rush Limbaugh is a world class athlete. Get my drift?”
As her final piece of evidence, Hopskillia presented Haley’s beliefs that Donald Trump tells the truth.
“I mean, the dude has told literally thousands of lies in office. Lies that are easily verified as such,” Hopskillia divulged. “If that isn’t proof positive that Nikki lives in Opposite Land, I have no idea what it will take to convince you.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.