Fox News Medical Non-Experts Not Sure Americans Should Be Listening to Dr. Fauci Anymore

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Three of Fox News’ least-learned and un-certified medical non-experts are starting to form a consensus about a man who actually does have years of training and expertise in the medical field.

Not-Doctors Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson and Frau Lolo Ingraham are all starting to work from the same script, which sources say they drew upon decades’ worth of absolutely zero experience in medicine to write. According to the trio of super-not-qualified non-experts, Americans need to stop heeding the advice of Dr. Anthony Fauci, and immediately go back to work as if there isn’t a global pandemic.

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“We’re not doctors. We’re not even scientists. Hell, Sean can’t spell science if you give him an S-C-I-E-N head start,” Carlson told conservative talk radio host Chip Chatterly on WKKK today, “but one thing we know how to do is feed half-truth and bullshit to easily duped morons who think they’re voting for liberty while they’re voting against their best interests. If anyone knows a flim-flam or con, it’s us, because we’ve been running them on you idiots for years.”

Ingraham echoed many of Carlson’s thoughts on her radio show this morning, however, she stopped short of saying that Fauci is running a con on Americans.

“Not that what Fauci is doing is a con; it’s not. Believe me, I know cons when I see them,” Ingraham insisted. “What he’s doing is far worse. He’s trying to push his knowledge on you, like the Big Government stooge he is. Maybe someone should tell Dr. Fauci in America we have the right to put our dicks in the meat grinder, no mater what hoity-toity doctors tell us is better for our health, or whatever.”

Hannity openly mused on his own radio show today about whether former President Barack Obama was somehow feeding lines to Dr. Fauci.

“Look I’m just a grifting, untrained douchebag, but I can’t shake the feeling that Barry Hussein MAOBAMA is behind Fauci’s dangerously high-levels of experience and knowledge,” Hannity mused, “and I want Obama and Fauci to be hauled before a high court and given the third degree. Just how much does Fauci know, and why does he have to make me feel so inadequate by sharing it all the time?”

In the early weeks of the pandemic, Hannity, Carlson, and Ingraham each devoted airtime on their Fox News shows to downplaying the threat COVID-19 posed. All three helped amplify President Trump’s talking point that Democrats and the media were turning the response to the virus into a “hoax.” In the subsequent weeks, more than 80,000 Americans have lost their lives as a result of complications from the coronavirus.

“I can remember learning in my non-biology classes at not-med school,” Ingraham said, “that only cucks care about pandemics. Swear to God, that comes right out of the medical not-textbooks! If you can’t see all this panic for what it is, a power grab disguised as humanity trying to survive a pandemic, then I think frankly God Emperor King Trump should order you summarily executed.”

Carlson invoked one of Trump’s most famous quips when arguing that people should “rush right back out to die for capitalism.”

“What the hell have you got to lose? I mean, besides our lung capacity or life, I mean,” Carlson asked. “If you can’t trust a bunch of rich hucksters who never set foot inside a med school to give you good medical advice, who can you trust, really? Because we’ll buy them off, too.”

Hannity demanded to know what sets Fauci apart from himself.

“Other than a medical degree and decades of experience in the field,” Hannity shouted, “what does Fauci have that I don’t? Checkmate, libs.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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