WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, Americans witnessed a sight they’d never seen in the 244 year history of the nation when a 73 year old, six-foot tall baby threw a huge tantrum and stormed out of a press conference in the middle of a national health crisis. Before the whiny little bitch huffed and puffed out of the White House Rose Garden, however, he made sure to call someone a name and throw all of his toys out his crib.
What set the aging irritable, tiny-handed, septuagenarian complainer off, apparently, was when he wasn’t allowed to make a flippant remark to an Asian American reporter to “ask China” about why he is treating the coronavirus outbreak like some kind of global competition instead of simply helping the American people through the crisis. When the Asian American female reporter asked him why he told her, specifically, to ask China about the issue, the Adderall binging bigot tried to cut her off and move on to the next reporter’s question. However, when the next reporter deferred to the Asian American reporter so she could finish asking her follow-up question, the entitled trust fund racist balked, called the Asian American woman’s question “nasty” and ran off, his tail tucked between his legs.
“Why does that matter?” she queried. “Why is this a global competition to you if every day Americans are still losing their lives and we are still seeing more cases every day?”
Trump retorted: “Well, they are losing their lives everywhere in the world. Maybe that is a question you should ask China. Don’t ask me. Ask China that question. When you ask China that question you may get a very unusual answer.” (Guardian)
Later in the day, it was obvious that the alleged billionaire bitch baby had not yet gotten over feeling so insulted by someone asking him to clarify if he was being his typical, casually racist self. He blasted the two super-mean poopy-headed lady journalists who dared to ask him questions he didn’t want to be asked on Twitter, a social media platform the crybaby in chief has a fleeting, passive relationship with. President Lying Wimpy Simpleton accused the media of being “truly out of control” and argued that “they work (conspire) together” against him.
The Lamestream Media is truly out of control. Look how they work (conspire!) together. They are the Enemy of the People, but don’t worry, we will WIN in November! https://t.co/3YOSChXP9M
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 12, 2020
Sources close to the situation are saying that the so-called president, many hours after the incident, has still not let it go. They say he’s been in consultation with his chief private investigator, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, his most trust, personal Attorney General William Barr, and his most beloved sycophantic royal fellaters, Sen. Lindsey Graham and Congressman Devin Nunes. At issue, is exactly what President Insufferable Twatwaffle can do, legally speaking, to punish the reporters for their impudence and disrespect.
“The president believes that he was the victim of an attempted coup, at the very least, yesterday,” White House Vapid FuckMuppet and Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany told reporters as she arrived for work today. “The punishment for such actions, which surely must fall under the umbrella of hardcore treason, is death, is it not? The president is in consultation on that very issue. We’ve already established, thanks to the president’s sham impeachment, that his universal power is most definitely not a sham. So he knows he can order these disrespectful enemies of the people put to death, but he wants to see if he can do it during a klanpaign rally. You know, for the ratings.”
The president intends to spend the rest of the day doing what he feels helps Americans through one of the worst health and economic crises of their lives — rage-tweeting and shitting his pants.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.