LAKE AMPHETAMINE, GEORGIA — Bill “Peach Dick” Kusinphuchre is known in his part of rural Georgia as the “Crack Dealer to the Stars.” Mainly, that’s because for the last several years, he has been the exclusive crack provider to freshman Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA). Because of this connection to Ms. Greene, Peach Dick has become somewhat of a mover and shaker in alt-right politics.
Today, Mr. Kusinphuchre announced that he was ready to make an endorsement in the recall election of Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom of California. Kusinphuchre said the man he was putting his “full and complete, crack-laden gravitas and reputation behind,” is someone the American people already “know, trust, love, and laugh at hysterically.” That man, is former actor Randy Quaid.
Quaid is rumored to be giving serious consideration to throwing his hat in the ring in this year’s upcoming recall of Newsom. Most political observers haven’t given the recall much of a chance of success, given how deeply blue the state is, and that Newsom handily defeated the last Republican he faced. California did famously recall one other Democratic governor, Gray Davis, and replaced him with actor Arnold Schwarzenegger in the early 2000’s, however.
“First of off, y’all seen him in Christmas Vacation, so you know he knows when to drain a shitter, and you know that would apply to drainin’ the swamp out in ol’ Commiefornia,” Kusinphuchre told us via Skype today. “Next of off, I can say without any doubt in my mind that Randy has that same certain joie de meth that Marjorie has.”
Despite the fact that Quaid was a “Holly-Weird act-tard” for a time, Kusinphuchre claims that Quaid is “MAGA through and through” and not a “soyboybetacuck commie socialist Demoncrat from the left coast.” Kusinphuchre high-fived himself for such an epic, sick burn. We had to stop him from attempting to put his own genitals in his mouth, “Trump stylie,” as he called it.
“Of course he’s one of us, like me and Marj! He enjoys fine, artisanal street drugs like we do,” Kusinphuchre insisted. “Besides, I swear to God, he’s got to be a Chosen One like Trump. Look at what letter sits right at the start of his last name! Q-U-A-I-D!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.