KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — The CEO of Holy Trinity Inc., one of the afterlife’s premier eternal timeshare resorts, told heavenly reporters today that he’s been getting “absolutely douched” with requests on his resort’s prayer hotline that he’s “not all the sure what to do about.”
“People praying for something bad to happen to Republicans is really nothing new, because I think most Americans figured out a long time ago the only way to get Republicans to care about something tragic is to have that same tragedy befall a Republican,” Larry “God” Schumway told the press today, “but since prayers for pain and suffering aren’t really our thing around here since about the time my son Jesus went down there, we typically just forward those requests to a special folder and don’t even really look at them again.”
Schumway divulged, however, that since about January of 2017, and ramping up until now, there have been increasing numbers of Americans praying for a very specific thing to happen to a very specific human being.
“I have to tell you — we are getting absolutely douched these days with people asking about Mitch McConnell having a stroke,” God said. “Not even really me giving it to him. People are just praying about the possibility of him having one. It’s like, they’re too afraid to have hope, so they’re just kind of asking in a roundabout way if it’s even possible for Mitch to have one. To be honest, I’m not really sure what to do about those prayers, because they’re not really asking for him to have a stroke, but you can definitely infer from the context that they wouldn’t look a gift stroke in the half-paralyzed mouth, if you know what I mean.”
Mr. Schumway says he isn’t “completely sure” how to handle the McConnell stroke prayers.
“I mean, a stroke isn’t necessarily lethal, so they’re not really, technically, praying for me to kill someone,” God mused, “but, no, I think I still have to politely decline answering those prayers altogether.”
As much as Schumway says he “gets” why people are asking about McConnell having a stroke, he doesn’t want to “open a can of worms” he can’t close by entertaining thoughts of “stroking Mitch out.”
“No one gets how much Mitch needs a karmic kick in the chooch than I do, believe you me,” God explained, “but I really can’t get into a tit-for-tat on this, even with such a boob like Mitch. I can’t even let myself entertain thoughts of stroking Mitch out. It opens up a can of worms I’m not sure I can close at that point.”
For now, Schumway says he and his staff will keep the McConnell stroke inquiries separate from the prayers that directly ask for bad things to befall other people. God said he’d end up “talking to one of [his] friends” about the stroke requests.
“They aren’t my usual area of expertise, but I think I’m going to end up talking to one of my friends about them,” God said. “Satan’s always willing to give people strokes. Then again, Mitch is on Satan’s team, so that could definitely complicate things.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”