COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is convinced that Donald Trump is absolutely right about the kinds of people the Mexican government sends to the United states to immigrate illegally.
Because of this belief, Bohiggins is against immigration reform, and he believes that the government of Mexico is performing what he and many other conservative Republicans call a “silent invasion from the South,” and that the invasion is also being perpetrated in popular culture. Hot off the heels of his attack on the Taco Bell in his small Tennessee town, Bohiggins now has sights set on another fast food restaurant, but this one with a Spanish language name, and he is prepared “to fight tooth and nail” to get the business name changed and in his words, “expose the Crazy Chicken for what it is,” a front operation for Mexico’s invasion of the U.S.
“We talk English here in America, and it’s an affront to all my family who died serving this country in General Lee’s army to have a Mexican name on your American business,” Jethro told The Political Garbage Chute as he picketed outside the local El Pollo Loco establishment, which is about a quarter mile up the road from the Taco Bell he wants shut down. “I have the same problem with this El Paul-O Lock-O place as I do with Taco Bell — transparency. I don’t trust nothin’ I can’t read and understand in my own linguistical language, know what I mean?”
Jethro said that while he rather enjoyed the grilled chicken, he was angry that he was offered “tor-till-yas and sal-sah vurdee” instead of “good old fashioned American white bread and barbecue sauce.” That, said Jethro, was a major tip-off that something wasn’t quite right at this particular restaurant.
“If you can’t even write you menu in English,” Bohiggins said, “then how can I trust you’re not putting secret Mexican codes in it? I see a word like ‘gucamole’ and all I see is ‘mole’ which means someone is here spying on us, and I’m sure it’s some illegal working at The Crazy Chicken.”
Mr. Bohiggins says he plans to sue the owners of the particular franchise in his town to change the name of their restaurant to The Crazy Chicken. In papers filed with the court, Jethro claims he was “irrevocably harmed by having to read Mexican words” when he “expected to walk into a normal American chicken place with normal American names for their dishes.” Jethro’s attorney asks in the brief, “If we are to be forced to live in a country where we might have to put up with things in Mexican, what kind of country do we live in? If it inconveniences one single, God fearing, ammo hoarding patriot to see those non-American words, should not those words be stripped away?”
“I want to know what it is they’re trying to hide by calling their chicken crazy in Mexican. Why can’t you call it crazy in American? Is it because Crazy Chicken is some kind of Mexican code word, and you’re planning on invading us silently through illegal immigration,” Jethro asked rhetorically. “What exactly is a burrito? Is that Mexican for ‘they’re all fast asleep hurry, come over the border and rape and murder and do drugs in front of their children,’ is that what burrito means?”
Jethro told us that like Taco Bell, the management staff at El Pollo Loco had asked him to return to his car and secure his firearm because they’re, in his words, “a pussy-ass joint that won’t let me openly carry my gun in case I’m like, pffft, a robber or some shit.” He said that “it’s un-American to not let me carry my deadly weapon wherever I want, because my freedom trumps your freedom to live a life free of worrying if some half-cocked cowboy asshole will make a mistake and accidentally kill you. Sorry, libtards, it’s in the Constitution, black and white.”
“And just why should we trust a crazy Mexican chicken,” Jethro asked. “After all,” he continued, “the libtards tell us we can’t trust crazy people with guns, so why am I supposed to trust a crazy chicken to not poison me, or force me to be nice to people even though they look different and speak a language I don’t speak?” Jethro says that he “doesn’t care” that statistics show that net migration from Mexico has been flat for years, he is “dead convinced” those statistics are lies and he says “the fact that places like The Crazy Chicken are trying to hide their intentions in plain sight, behind foreign languages” proves that something is amiss, and he “will not rest” until “all covert signs of Mexicanocity” are removed from his small Tennessee town.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”