NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The president’s smartest son with the name “Eric” appeared on Fox News last night and proceeded to trash former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter. His father’s impeachment trial has hit the question and answer phase, and Senate Republicans have wasted no time bringing up the Bidens in an effort to shield President Donald John Trump from the constitutional consequences of his attempts to force Ukraine into digging up dirt on Hunter, and perhaps the former VP. Appearing on Sean Hannity’s show, Eric said that he “learned something new” during the Q&A portion of the trial, and that it made him “even more grossed out” by the Bidens.
“I tell you what Sean, not only is my daddy the bestest and most smartest pres-o-dent this country has ever had,” Eric said, “he’s not corrupt like the Bidens. They are the swamp, and my daddy knew it! He knew that Joe Biden got his son Hunter a barista job at a Starbucks in Ukraine, and that’s just so sad. It’s so sad that Hunter Biden can’t get anywhere in life without his rich, powerful father, isn’t it, Sean?”
Hannity, his usual blank, thoughtless stare fixed on his face, completely agreed with Eric. Hannity said it’s “just so embarrassing” for Biden that his son “obviously can’t pull himself up by his bootstraps” like everyone in the Trump family did and has. Hannity praised Eric for his “rugged individualism” and said he’s an example of “doing things the good, clean, white American way.”
“Eric, it really is sad. Just said. Here you are, a shining example of how things are supposed to work in America — you inherit wealth you didn’t earn and now do everything to horde that money,” Hannity said, “and Joe’s over there in Ukraine giving his son a barista job. How many times does your dad’s legal team need to bring up the barista job before they’re investigated? It’s just pathetic.”
Eric nodded in agreement.
“Exactly Sean. Exactly,” Eric confirmed. “If Hunter wanted to be a barista, he should have filled out an application himself. Or, his daddy could’ve started a coffee shop and handed control to Hunter. That’s what my daddy, the pres-o-dent, would have done! All the jobs my daddy’s gotten for me have been at his own companies, that he started. That’s not Neptune-ism!”
Hannity, once again, agreed with Eric.
“You bring up a good point, Eric,” Hannity said. “Why is Joe Biden so pro-Neptune. We keep asking these questions, and for some reason no one takes us seriously! But I want to know, what is it about Neptune that makes Joe Biden so inclined to inject his Neptune-ism into everything? Is Hunter incapable of getting a job at Starbucks, or piloting a spacecraft to Neptune by himself? And don’t the American taxpayers have a right to know if any of their money is being used to put fuel in Hunter’s rocket ship?”
By the end of the interview, both men agreed that the justice department needs to undertake a full audit of every barista employed by Starbucks. They further agreed that President Trump may want to consider a full-scale invasion and occupation of Seattle, home of Starbucks corporate headquarters. If needs be, Starbucks itself may need to be nationalized, they posited.
“The only way we’re going to get to the bottom of all this is more investigations. More quid pros,” Hannity supposed. “I’m sick and tired of the media and the crazy left telling us presidents shouldn’t be allowed to do whatever they want. This isn’t some disgusting tan suit, or some French-sounding mustard on a burger we’re talking about here. This is a president leveraging the awesome power of his office to figure out if any of the fever dreams and conspiracy theories crackpot right-wingers write about on their blogs are true. It has to be done for the good of the land, and I won’t stop defending our dear president, your good, clean, Christian patriot father’s action in a time of great national crisis.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.