Cousin Fucker Says He Wasn’t Fondling His Cousin Fucking Junk No Matter How Much It Looks Like It

One of the world’s most famous cousin fuckers is denying that he was doing anything inappropriate in a now widely-discussed scene from an upcoming comedy film.

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Yesterday, the cousin fucker trended worldwide when news broke that there is a scene in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm in which he is caught on tape fondling the very same genitals he has used in the past to fuck his own cousin. Given that the cousin fucker is currently engaged in a very public attempt to smear former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter using a laptop he claims belonged to the latter and was full of inappropriate material of a sexual nature, the cousin fucker being caught on tape pleasuring himself in front of a woman much younger than he was seemed to highlight at least some hypocrisy on his part. Not only was the cousin fucker trending, the story was so buzzworthy it made the terms “Borat” and “Sacha Baron Cohen” trend as well.

After spending much of the day off Twitter, eventually the cousin fucker tweeted about the incident. In a series of tweets, the cousin fucker said the video in question is a “complete fabrication.” The man who married and routinely fucked his own cousin for years asserted that “at no time” was he “ever inappropriate” and said if Baron Cohen attempts to say otherwise “he is a stone cold liar.”

Cousin Fucker, who was famously the Mayor of New York City when the terror attacks of 9/11 brought down the World Trade Center towers, took the opportunity to blast Biden “and his entire family” while denying that he was fiddling with his cousin fucking dick in front of an actress who was playing Borat’s underage daughter. He also announced that even more dirt from Hunter’s alleged laptop will be released soon.

Still images from the scene in question have emerged which show Mayor Cousin Fucker laying on the bed, his hands down the front of his pants, while the young female actress is less than a few feet away from him. Despite what the still make it look like, however, the cousin fucker says he was not, in fact, diddling the phallus he used to regularly insert into his own cousin’s vagina.

“Who among us hasn’t tucked in their shirt while on their back, alone in a hotel room with a pretty young lady,” the cousin fucker told Fox News this morning. “I may fuck my own cousins, and I may really enjoy fucking my own cousins. But even cousin fuckers know about class, tact, and decorum!”

By later in the afternoon, however, the cousin fucker’s story had changed, just slightly.

“Look, I don’t remember if I was tucking my shirt in, or tucking my dick into my shirt,” the cousin fucker admitted, “but the bottom line is that I wasn’t planning on stroking my dick until I went ‘Uhh’ and a little bit of white stuff came out of the tip of my pee-pee, okay? So, even if I was playing with my dick, I wasn’t REALLY playing with my dick, and even if I was, so what, because Joe Biden and Hunter and laptops and Ukraine or whatever.”

Two of cousin fucker’s associates are awaiting trial in the U.S. for election and campaign finance related crimes.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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