WASHINGTON, D.C. — “Daddy! Daddy! Come quick! I just found a butt load of money, and we can keep it all, Daddy!”
The shouts were heard last night, coming from the presidential residency in the White House. Eric Trump, the president’s third most intelligent son, was shouting for his father, who was in bed with his First Lady at the time. A frazzled-looking Trump was seen emerging from his bedroom.
“What? Eric, can’t you see me and your sister are having Special Times,” Trump demanded. “This had better be good Eric. Not like the time you thought you’d fixed all my problems by closing the Obamagate.”
An undeterred Eric pressed on.
“No! Daddy! Daddy come look, look at all this friggin’ money I just found! And we get to keep it all,” Eric shouted. “Cuz finders-keepers! FINDERS FREAKIN’ KEEPERS DADDY!”
The mention of money got the president’s attention.
“Wait, you found money? Like, cash money, money? Like moola? Cashola? You’re telling me you found money,” Trump asked of his son. “That’s great, Eric! I knew there was a reason I liked you more than Male Not Ivanka #1 for a reason! Show me this fortune you’ve found, and tell me where you found it!”
Eric led his father to a sofa. He pointed at the cushions excitedly. Barely able to contain his joy, Eric told his father he’d been sitting on the sofa, “farting out dinner,” when he wanted to smell what one of his farts really smelled like. So, Eric cupped his hand, but when he went to put it down the backside of his pants, he missed, and instead his hand wound up in the space underneath the couch cushion.
“It was right here Daddy! I found the money right here,” Eric said. “Look, it’s so much too! I feel like I just found a whole big group of kids with cancer! This is amazing, Daddy! Look at all this scratch I found!”
A beaming Eric unfurled his hand, revealing $7.50. Without hesitation Eric put the money, mostly in quarters and dimes, in his father’s hand. However, the president’s hand wasn’t quite large enough to hold all that currency at once, and a lot of it fell to the floor.
“Goddamn it Eric! How many times have I told you not to put things in my VERY NORMAL SIZED hands,” the president berated his son. “Help me pick this money up, right now.”
Eric got down on the floor and picked up all the money. He set it on the nearby table. Eric meekly apologized.
“That’s okay, my son. That’s okay. You’re not as smart or hot as Ivanka, but I still mostly am okay with you,” Trump said, patting his son on the head. “Let’s see how much money you got for your dear ol’ dad, shall we?”
After six hours, the two men were thoroughly flustered with trying to tally up Eric’s find, and so they called the smartest person they know — Ivanka — who told her brother and dad to “call one of the nerds Daddy uses to dodge taxes” to help them count up the money. By noon today, Trump’s tax professionals had been contacted. An hour or so later, they had the total.
“Holy shit son! You just saved me a ton of money on this year’s tax bill,” Trump shouted. “That’s exactly how much money I was thinking of giving the IRS this year Eric! You, my boy, get a gold star for today!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.