KNOTSY WOODS, VIRGINIA — Leaked audio has emerged of devout white nationalist Richard Spencer, seemingly in the middle of a racist and anti semitic tirade.
The tapes were leaked as part of the ongoing fallout stemming from Spencer’s public divorce with Milo Yiannopoulos, a right-wing troll and alleged writer, who used to work for Breitbart and was one of Trump’s earliest champions of the alt-right. Spencer was actually the one who coined the term “alternative right” to refer to his brand of white supremacy. Their romance blossomed over a mutual love and adoration for a certain, tiny-handed, D-list reality TV star who would later become president.
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However, Spencer and Mr. Yiannopoulos mutual love of President Trump wasn’t enough to keep in-fighting and jealousy at bat. Yiannopoulos leaked the audio of Spencer’s rant. It’s unclear what the state of their relationship is at this point.
The existence of such tapes is perhaps not as surprising as the context of the rant. Many believed that the audio clips were simply Spencer, who was famously punched square in the mouth by anti-Trump protesters just days after another leak — this time video of him doing Nazi-inspired salutes of President Trump — can be heard using epithets for Jewish people, homosexuals, and other groups and classes of citizens. While some believed this was just a garden variety racist rant, the kind of which Spencer could be presumed to be either on or working on at any given time of day, Mr. Spencer confirmed this morning that he was actually busy doing something for the president in the newly emerged audio clips.
“I was dictating Herr Trump’s next State of the Union speech,” Spencer told W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly this morning. “It’s easier for me to dictate than to type, you see, because I tend to rant with my hands. It’s a performance technique I picked up watching the OG Mein Fuhrer, Hitler himself. So when I write speeches for Trump, I turn on the voice to text feature on my phone and scream into it.”
Spencer’s revelation may be why the White House pushed President Trump out onto the lawn for another impromptu press conference in the driveway. Though the official cover story was that Trump was awaiting a helicopter right to get some frozen yogurt and adult magazines, many wondered if the president hadn’t come out specifically and only to squash any rumors that Mr. Spencer had been hired by the administration as a speechwriter.
“I’ve never heard of this Dick Spencer kid! But even if I have, I’m sure he’s a fine person, if he’s pro-MAGA,” Trump yelled. “The point is, though, that we have not and will not hire him as our speechwriter. He just sends us jokes from time to time, to use in my speeches. He’s like a comedian who sends jokes into late night shows, you see. So every now and then he gives us a pretty good one-liner for us to use at a rally, and we give him a hundred bucks, no big whoop.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.