Patriotic American Rooting For Socialist Countries to Beat U.S. Women’s Soccer Team

WHISTLING DICK LAKE, FLORIDA — 34-year-old Marcus Palumbo is a self-described “über patriot,” and often tells his friends he “bleeds red, white, and blue.” The Olympics are a special time for Palumbo, because he loves America so much, and he enjoys few things in life more than rooting for Americans to do well.

“Every couple years we send the very best American athletes around the world, to represent American values like freedom of speech,” Palumbo explained to us via Skype today, “which is why I get so angry when I see athletes get all political and exercise that right to free speech, real liberty means only using it when it doesn’t make conservatives uncomfortable.”

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As much as Palumbo enjoys rooting for America, he says this year there’s one sport that he hopes the U.S. team gets “completely destroyed” in.

“I’m sorry, but if the women’s soccer team is gonna quietly and peacefully protest conditions in our country,” Palumbo explained, “then I don’t think they should represent America. What does America stand for, if not never criticizing America?!”

Rooting against the American team could mean that Palumbo ends up rooting for teams that come from socialist countries. Despite the fact that he estimates roughly 90% of his time online is spent “trolling Demon-rat commies,” and that he considers socialism and communism to “be the same exact thing,” Marcus says he has no problem rooting for those socialist countries to beat the U.S. women’s soccer team.

“Here’s what I know — if you don’t show full-blown, hardcore respect for America and its magic freedom rag and song, then I don’t think you belong on a team representing America,” Palumbo insisted. “Hell, I think if you protest America while representing America, you prolly belong in prison! But at the bare minimum I’m going to root for any team that’s trying to beat America’s soccer team. That’s how much I love America!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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