DNC: “We’re Not Taking Any Sides Except Against Candidates We Don’t Want You to Want”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee released a statement today, perhaps in an attempt to head off criticism that it’s working to give former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg (D-Cash) any advantage it can. It was announced early this morning that Bloomberg had qualified to appear onstage at the next Democratic debate, to be held in Las Vegas tomorrow night. The billionaire, who was a member of the Republican Party when he ran Manhattan as its mayor, reached 19% in a new poll conducted by NPR and Marist, meeting the DNC’s threshold to debate.

“We, the Democratic Party of the United States of America care. If you know nothing about us, by now you must know we care, but,” the DNC wrote, “we also listen. In 2016, we heard your complaints about propping up a vulnerable candidate, if not wholly qualified candidate. Albeit too late, but we listened. And that’s why this time around we gladly agreed to try a little small-D democracy, and not put our thumbs on the scale for any candidate, no matter how much safer they’d be to our wallets.”

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In 2016, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders fought a long and hard primary campaign. There were sentiments among the more progressive wing of the party that the DNC was putting all its weight and backing behind Clinton, despite signs that Sanders was just as viable candidate. Clinton, however, did win three million more votes than Sanders in primary voting. The use of “superdelegates” was heavily criticized, and in the wake of a devastating loss to a reality-TV game show host and lifelong con artist, the Democratic Party agreed to greatly limit how much superdelegate influence would be felt on this year’s primary season.

“Please, allow us to assuage any fears you might have. Despite it looking to outside appearances like we’re doing everything in our power to help a billionaire position himself as our candidate,” the DNC explained, “we’re not taking any sides accept against candidates we don’t want you to want. It’s just that simple. If anyone knows which candidate you want, it’s us. Let’s face it. Let’s be honest with one another — we probably know better than you do who you want to vote for, and all we’re doing is making sure you get a chance to vote for the candidates we want you to want to vote for.”

The DNC says it’s “gravely concerned” that “voters will choose a candidate they want” and that the candidate they want “will not be able to defeat the least popular, least popularly elected president of all time.”

“Sure, we just flipped the House less than two years ago on an anti-Trump but also progressive platform,” the DNC’s letter admits, “and sure, if anyone can be beaten it’s the guy who says some Nazis aren’t so bad, and who puts brown babies in cages, but are we not a tent big enough for billionaires and, more importantly, their money? Should we not at least check in with our rich overlords to see if three’s someone else they’d prefer? It only seems fair to give billionaires a say! WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE POOR — NOT LITERALLY — BILLIONAIRES?!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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