DeSantis Signs Law Giving Parental Rights to Rapists Six Weeks After Rape

“Obviously, Ron DeSantis is a friend to Florida’s rapists…”  – Chad Beefington, Rapists Rights Activist.

Ever since he won re-election, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has had a gloves-off approach to social policies in the Sunshine State.

In recent months, the conservative Republican has waged a war on socially liberal causes, even attacking Disney, the state’s largest employer, because they criticized his anti-LGTBQ policy initiatives. Gov. DeSantis has banned discussions of America’s racist past in Florida’s schools, and attempted to purge Florida’s school libraries of anything that doesn’t comport with religious conservative ideals. Last night, DeSantis became the latest red state governor to pass a sweeping, new rapists’ rights bill since the Supreme Court struck down Roe Vs. Wade earlier this year.

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With a stroke of his pen, DeSantis banned abortion procedures after the sixth week of pregnancy, which not only has the effect of telling those Floridians with uteruses that they have no right to control them; it also gives a potential rapist parental rights after the sixth week of pregnancy. For context, a fetus isn’t generally medically viable for another 14 or 15 weeks, and at the six-week stage, it is microscopic in size.

We spoke to Chad Beefington, a Florida rapist rights advocate, about Florida’s new abortion ban.

“This is just one of the best days of my life, I have to tell you. As a rapist rights advocate, I never thought I’d see the day where someone would be gifted with the clarity of vision to see how important it is that rapists get their full battery of parental rights,” Beefington said. “Obviously, Ron DeSantis is a friend to Florida’s rapists, and we just can’t thank him enough for his absolutely vital support.”

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@jamboschlarmbo It’s only #satire because I made their subtext the context. #RonDeSantis #Florida #abortion #prochoice #roevwade #politics #politik #polical ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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