WASHINGTON, D.C — A federal judge has granted permission to indicted former White House senior policy adviser Stephen Bannon to have conjugal visits while he awaits trial. Mr. Bannon appeared in court to surrender himself, after being indicted by a grand jury for failing to comply with a congressional subpoena from the House Special Select Committee investigating the events of January 6th.
The judge indicated that Bannon will be able to have his choice of two romantic partners.
“Defendant is a bridge troll, and that is very much so undeniable. That being said, even bridge trolls have rights in this country, and one of those rights is the right to sexual intercourse and congress with his significant order, and under my watch, no defendant will have his or her rights abridged,” Judge Judith Brown-Wapner told the court during Bannon’s arraignment hearing this morning.
“Therefore, if Mr. Bannon wants to have sexual activity with his significant others, I will not stand in the way, nor will I let this court stop him, either. So, Mr. Bannon, if you want to get it on with either Congressmare Marjorie Taylor Greene, or with failed congressional candidate and disgraced Secret Service member Dan Bongino, you are free to do so.”
Judge Brown-Wapner indicated that he is willing to help Bannon sidestep some D.C. laws to have his conjugal visits.
“Now, I understand that the last man who was in the State of Virginia who was legally allowed to fuck his horse was General Robert E. Lee, however I’m not here to be an activist judge,” Judge Brown-Wapner explained.
“So even though I would never fuck a horse, and I think that people who fuck horses are weird, and even though we have laws against horse fucking here, I’m going to allow it. Who am I to judge? I mean, you know, other than when I’m judging cases? Besides, maybe this way Marjhorsearie won’t be on TV as often, and that’s a win-win situation in my book.”
Mr. Bannon’s legal team could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.