Cruz: If Women Wanted Input on Abortion, They ‘Should Have Been Born With a Penis and an Unwanted Opinion’

WASHINGTON, D.C. –Speaking at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital this morning, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) signaled his support and even glee at the Supreme Court announcing this week that it would take up a case from Mississippi that could gut abortion rights for women in several red states.

“Now, for the first time in what feels like an epoch, we have the ability to right the ship and create the kind of overreaching federal government I’ve said for years we need to create,” Cruz told the breakfast attendees. “Sure, I talked a lot about a government too big to be useful, and sure I made government the enemy in all my rhetoric like ironically taking a government paycheck. However, this is the right call by the Supreme Court, and I have been praying so hard for the right outcome.”

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Cruz, who is consistently one of the loudest members of Congress demanding more restrictions on access to abortion services, told the church congregants that “God’s natural order is for the men-folk to make the decisions.” He is not “qualified to change or amend God’s rules” and neither is anyone else, Cruz said. Therefore, if women wanted to have any say on the matter, they would have needed to be men, Cruz said, in the eyes of God.

“I didn’t make the rules. God did. So if women are so fired-up to have input on what we do to regulate vaginae” Cruz insisted, “they should have been born with a penis and an unwanted opinion. Period. End of story. Don’t like it? TALK TO GOD, LADIES.”

Cruz got thunderous applause from the room full of older white men he was speaking to. Sen. Cruz also mentioned that his wife agrees with him on this issue.

“My wife, Heidi, you know, the ugly one? She said to me one night that life is so messy and complicated, and she was so busy making pies and cakes in the kitchen,” Cruz relayed, “that it made her feel good to let her already less capable mind than mine take over for her. Now, if that pug ugly sack of shit that I’m married to can understand it, why can’t all the other women in the country?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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