Cruz Reminds Constituents That The ‘Back Door Means No Babies and No Abortions’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The American right-wing, particularly those in Evangelical circles, have been pushing make abortion illegal for decades. Ever since the Supreme Court ruled in the early 1970’s that before a fetus’ medical viability a woman had a legal right to terminate her pregnancy, socially conservative political activists have been chipping away at that right, culminating in the new six week abortion ban in Texas that many feel is the right’s newest and most effective attack on a woman’s right to bodily autonomy.

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) allegedly represents the people of Texas, and during an interview on Fox News this morning, he downplayed criticisms of the law. Cruz also suggested that Texans who don’t want to get in legal trouble over an abortion try something “new on the sexual front.”

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“First of all, Brian, I think that the liberals in this country are once again making a mountain out of a law that forces rape victims to have their rapist’s baby or face a possible $10,000 fine,” Cruz laughed. “The Constitution is clear — each state has a right to create the Christofascist regime they see fit, and every person in that state must submit to that brand of theocracy, or face stiff consequences.”

Cruz then suggested that people who don’t want to run afoul of the new Texas law can “just do butt and butt-tangential sex.”

“The bottom line is that if they do Bottom Time, there won’t be a need for an abortion, ever,” Cruz explained. “Because back door means no babies and no abortions. Although, a lot of my colleagues have wondered if I’m a product of anal sex, I can assure, you I’m just a human being, conceived by regular sex, who turned out to be a piece of shit. So I can understand the confusion, but again, to reiterate, back door – no babies.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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