Texas Man Faces Attempted Murder Charges for Finishing on His Cousin’s Stomach

GILEAD COUNTY, TEXAS — If he had known its true, full implications, then 36 year old Matthew Palumricci would never, ever have supported the new six-week abortion ban that passed in his state. That’s what he told us from his jail cell, awaiting arraignment on charges of attempted murder stemming from a moment of inflamed sexual passions between himself and Karen Palumricci, Matthew’s cousin.

“I only thought that law applied to women-folk. Which is the way God intended it to be, and that would be no problem. In fact, I nearly moved to Afghanistan when I found out the Tally-Ban feel the same way,” Palumricci told us. “Anywho, Karen and me have always had an on-again, off-again relationship that seems to cycle around our family reunions every summer. The point is, we have a deal — as long as I don’t shoot my goo in her baby maker, we can go Ivanka-Donny style any time I want.”

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Last night, though, something went awry. Matthew tells us that he and Karen were “up to the usual Horizontal Mambo” when another cousin, Darryl Palumricci — Karen’s brother — opened the door, flashing a badge. Darryl’s timing couldn’t have been worse, Matthew told us.

“On account of I was just about spurt my load,” Palumricci said. “As always, I told her I was gonna, and she told me to do it on her tummy, like we do. Except, literally just as I pumping my sticky MAGA paste all over her stomach, Darryl burst in, thinking it was Tuesday night, which is his date night with Karen.”

Matthew can’t be certain, but he believes his cousin Darryl did what he did next out of a “mix of jealousy and righteous indignation over the loss of potential human life.”

“I know that abortion law deputized us common citizens, and I know Darryl is a God fearing, ammo hoarding patriot, who believes in the sanctity of life as long as it ain’t poor, black, or LGTBQ,” Matthew explained. “Still, I wish he would have let me talk it out with him, instead of arresting me right on the spot. Nevertheless, I complied, because I too believe in law and order.”

Palumricci’s arraignment is set for later this week.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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