In a year already filled with drama and tumult, it seems that 2020 isn’t quite done with head-scratching, eye-popping, eyebrow-raising headlines.
In Portland, unidentified federal agents have begun a crackdown, and have started dragging otherwise peaceful protesters off the streets and into unmarked vans. It’s a scene reminiscent of dystopian works of fiction like A Handmaid’s Tale. However, it’s also a scene from from the very non-fictional America under Donald Trump’s presidency. Violent protests have rocked the country since four Minneapolis cops were caught on film murdering an unarmed black suspect, one cop kneeling on George Floyd’s neck for an excruciating, nearly nine minute long, duration of time.
The acting Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security defended the tactics of the federal agents on Twitter. Sec. Chad Wolf implied that the people his agents rounded up weren’t protesters because they attacked agents with “lasers and frozen water bottles.” It’s unclear at this time when Star Wars laser blaster technology was invented and approved for citizens to purchase, but it’s also unclear why frozen water is considered a weapon against people with flak jackets, helmets, and assault rifles.
Let’s get this right. “Protestors” imply they were peacefully exercising their 1st amendment rights. Instead, DHS officers were assaulted with lasers and frozen water bottles from violent criminals attempting to tear down federal property. 2 officers were injured. Facts matter. https://t.co/U2CdAT0c9G
— Acting Secretary Chad Wolf (@DHS_Wolf) July 17, 2020
But as many people as have been sounding the alarm about secret federal police sweeping people off the streets, President Donald Trump does in fact have famous, outspoken supporters who have defended the actions of federal agents in Portland.
“I think this is wonderful. Spectacular. As everyone knows, when I’m not hate-masturbating to old Hillary Clinton videos and pegging my fact-checker Matt Palumbo while he cries about Norm McDonald not knowing who he is, I’m coming up spending my time coming up with ways to own the libs. And I can’t think of any better way to own the libs than by shredding the Constitution and sending in a federal police force to arrest people without cause and hold them indefinitely. Because the Bill of Rights is pretty much cuck bullshit outside the gun part.”
Frau Lolo Ingraham
“It’s very obvious to me that in times like these, you have to set aside your principles. You have to change your definition of constitutional rights. You have to, in other words, accept whatever you see happening as long as a Republican is doing it. But more specifically, THIS Republican. We’ve put all our eggs in his basket, and God knows we’re past the point of no return, so here we are. I support what’s happening in Portland, so long as my guy stays in power. I think that’s fair, don’t you?”
“As soon as President Trump finishes, I take his dick out of my mouth, and clean up, I’ll be back to tell you all why this is the greatest thing that has ever happened in this country’s history.”
“A secretive force of heavily armed, jackbooted thugs roaming the streets and arresting people protesting the government’s power? Oh my, what’s happening in my trousers? Is that…why, hello old friend! It’s been quite a long time since you’ve gotten this turgid! It’s just wonderful seeing Americans embrace the very same things I did that convinced them to go to war with me! I cannot tell you much it tickles me to see the American president employing tactics I did, even after decades of films and television reminding everyone that I did these things! Oh mein Gott how I love the irony!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.