WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump held his diploma from Trump University in one hand and showed it to the reporters gathered outside the White House this morning. Mr. Trump was headed to Yum Yum Doughnuts, he said, for his “usual morning dozen.” After announcing that he was appointing David Avocado Wolfe and Gwyneth Paltrow to Vice President High Priest Mike Pence’s coronavirus response team, Trump pointed to the degree in his hand and announced that it was from Trump University’s school of medicine.

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“I helped Paltrow and Avocado Wolfe get theirs last week so they could join Mike’s Toyota Corollavirus team,” Trump announced, “but this one’s mine. I bet you all in the FAKE NEWS BOB MUELLER ANGRY DEMOCRAT ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE PRESS didn’t know this, but I’m, like, totally a doctor…and shit. Bill Barr tells me this is a very legal and very cool medical degree which gives me the right to practice medicine in the states I won in 2016, which if you know your history, were also largely the great states that fought against the Tyrant Lincoln to preserve our great Southern heritage, and maybe a little bit of slavery.”

The president insisted that his Trump University medical degree makes him the “single most qualified president ever” to lead the country during a potential outbreak.

“Ebola, swine flu, and now even the Toyota Corollavirus,” Trump said, “I should be the one in charge during any outbreak, because this here degree says I’m super-duper-hardcore qualified to do so. Some folks out there might not realize this, but medicine-ing isn’t really that hard. Nowhere near as hard as owning and operating a casino, which of course I did, with tremendous success. Nobody Google that, because Google is full of Never Trumpers and they only show the so-called truth in their results, not the alternative truth which is know is more closer to the reality we MAGA-fied Americans live, right, patriots?”

Trump picked his nose and wiped it on a nearby aide.

“Not only am I trained in the medical profession, I’m probably the best doctor this country has ever seen,” Trump explained, again fishing another booger out of his nose and wiping it on Kellyanne Conway this time. “Save that one for me, Kellyanne. I’d like to have a little snack when I get back.”

Conway dutifully scraped the president’s nostril crumbs from her shoulder and put the remnants into a tube she was carrying. Witnesses say they might have caught a small tear coming out of Conway’s eye, but that she quickly wiped it away and put on the same, empty smile she often displays while talking condescendingly to the press.

“Yes sir, Mr. President, sir. So kind of you to wipe your booger on me, and it’s amazing that more Americans don’t understand how tasty boogers are,” Conway said. “Thank God Ted Cruz taught you all about the best way to eat your snot and nasal discharge. Praise you, sir. Praise you mightily.”

Kellyanne Conway slinked off back into the White House, and for a few moments sources say they could hear what sounded like a skeleton in a blonde wig fighting back a full-blown crying fit.

“Anyway, I gotta go get my morning dozen on,” Trump said, ignoring the crying sounds coming from the direction of the White House. “I’ve got a very busy day ahead of me. Doughnut shop, then back here to watch Fox News and old clips of me from TV appearances in the 80’s. Then I get executive time on the shitter. Then I watch the hidden camera footage I put in Ivanka’s bedroom, you know, for her own safety, in case someone tries to kidnap her or walks into her bedroom to stand over her while she sleeps, gently rubbing his kind of small and mangled penis…anyway, gotta run, bye folks!”

Before leaving, Trump put his hands down the back of his pants, farted, smelled his hand, and then wiped it over the face of a reporter who was too stunned to move.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.