WASHINGTON, D.C. — Having consolidated his power after the Battle of Mueller, once Supreme Chancellor Trump has taken on the self-titled mantle of Emperor, and has announced that his mighty Space Force is already carrying out a new order for him.
“This morning I gave Order 69, which Space Force knows is different from the Order 69 I issue my First Lady Ivanka from time to time,” Emperor Trump said from the Oval Throne Room this morning. “This Order 69 directs Space Force to create a new, powerful battle station using my Earth’s moon!”
The new battle station will possess a primary weapon with the capability of destroying evidence of conspiracy and obstruction of justice from many thousands of miles away.
“With this fully armed and operational battle station, I will have the power to detect and destroy any evidence that might exist out there that proves how deeply in bed I am with some of the planet’s most horrible authoritarians,” Emperor Trump announced. “We will hunt down and destroy all the emails my dopey son sent. We will find all the transcripts of calls between campaign operatives I hired at the behest of Russia, and we will wipe them out, all of them.”
Mr. Trump used the announcement of the lunar Death Star to announce a few more projects his Space Force is undertaking.
“We’re of course going to build a bigly, beautiful Space Wall. You know, to keep any unwanted, criminal, ill-iggle aliens out,” Trump said. “That means space aliens or Mexican looking ones, FYI.”
Emperor Trump has also demanded that the Space Force radically redesign their laser cannons on their ships.
“I want my guns going ‘PEE PEE!’ instead of ‘PEW PEW,'” Trump proclaimed. “Because PEE PEE is always better. I say, anyway. And once the Lunar Death Star is in place, you’ll never see why I love PEE PEE so much.”
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she is “outraged, angry, upset, beyond mad, totally fired up, and super-duper not cool with” anything Trump announced today.
“However, I’m just afraid of what doing something about it would mean to my political career,” Pelosi said. “I mean, just because the Constitution says it’s our duty to at the very least hold investigations and hearings into whether something he does is impeachable, does that really mean we have to do it? I’ve got other stuff to do today. Like go to Wal*Mart later for some socks.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.