Bloomberg Grateful for Chance to Spend Fortune on Campaign Rather Than Helping Poor People Eat

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — With Super Tuesday in the books, the race for the Democratic Party’s nomination is starting to really take shape. Heading into yesterday’s votes in 14 states, the field had already winnowed exceptionally from this time last week when moderates Sen. Amy Klobuchar and Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg dropped out. Both endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden, who went on to win to sweep the southern states, propelling him to a lead in the delegate count of about sixty votes.

Now, the field has narrowed yet again. This morning, former New York City Mayor, billionaire Mike Bloomberg, has suspended his campaign and he too is expected to endorse Biden. The final total is unclear, but it’s estimated that Bloomberg heaped hundreds of millions of dollars of his own money into his campaign’s coffers. For a time, his ads dominated both traditional media airwaves and social media streaming sites. What kind of return he got on his investment will be up to Bloomberg to decide, however this morning he told reporters as he got into his private jet that is fueled by burning hundred dollar bills, he spoke to reporters briefly about suspending his campaign.

Man Wonders What Would Happen If Everyone Who Said Sanders Can’t Win Voted Blue No Matter Who

“I just want to take this time right now to thank everyone who helped me dump a truckload of cash on my campaign,” Bloomberg said. “It was one of my greatest honors to be given the chance to spend the same amount of money I could’ve spent on wiping out people’s medical debt, or paying back their student loans. Yes, I could have helped literally millions of people, but that doesn’t sound all that fun to me.”

Bloomberg is by far the richest man to ever enter a presidential race. From the moment he announced his candidacy, he began dumping truckloads of cash into commercials, all mostly aimed at President Donald Trump. Bloomberg did, in the final days of his campaign, start attacking Bernie Sanders, attempting to paint him as a too-far-left candidate who couldn’t beat Trump in the general election. Upon leaving the race, Mr. Bloomberg endorsed Biden.

“Someone told me how many meals on wheels programs I could have started and funded for a solid decade with the cash I spent stroking my ego for a few weeks, telling myself I could be president,” Bloomberg said. “That was cool to see. How rich I am, I mean. It was cool to see I’m so rich I could do something like that if I wanted to. Very cool. All my money…very cool.”

While Mayor Bloomberg said he “doesn’t quite know what’s next” for him in the long run, he has committed a billion dollars to helping defeat Trump. Whether or not that means he’ll continue to run ads against Senator Sanders is anyone’s guess. It’s hard to imagine a scenario where he doesn’t at least try to sway more voters into supporting Biden. Though he gave no definitive answers this morning, he did seem to imply he’s still apt to go after Sanders’ support.

“What better way to show that I truly care about people than to spend more money than they’ll make in six lifetimes telling them not to vote for the guy who actually supports policies that would help them,” Bloomberg asked. “Seems like a really great use of my fortune, if you ask me.”

Former Vice President Biden now leads Sen. Sanders in the pledged delegate count. Candidates would need just over 1,900 committed delegates before the convention to have the nomination locked up. A brokered convention could take place if no candidate has met that threshold.

Trump Demands Toyota Immediately Produce Vaccine For “Corollavirus”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This