CDC: Increased Risk of COVID Infection After Exposure to Blathering, Right-Wing Morons

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The CDC held an urgent press conference this morning during which Dr. Allison Cooper stopped just short of begging Americans to turn off Fox News, OAN, and NewsMax.

“At this point in time, what we can say without any hesitancy whatsoever is that exposure to right-wing morons will exponentially increase your chances of contracting COVID-19,” Dr. Cooper told reporters. “So we are imploring every American to do everything you can to not hear what Brian Kilmeade, Dan Bongino, or pretty much anyone in the MAGA media ecosphere has to say about COVID-19, particularly when it comes to vaccines.”

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Dr. Cooper’s warning came just hours after Kilmeade got terse with Fox News morning co-host Steve Doocy when the latter told the viewing audience that getting vaccinated is the best way to protect yourself from contracting COVID-19. Fox hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham have also broadcast opinions that cast doubt on the need for or efficacy of the three currently approved coronavirus vaccines.

“People, I can’t tell you plainly enough — they’re all vaccinated. All the people on TV telling you it’s okay to not vaccinate? They’re ALL vaccinated,” Dr. Cooper reiterated. “You’re taking advice from shameless, lying conmen. But, given the last four years, I expect that none of us are surprised by that fact. I’m just saying that they’re hypocrites leading you toward exposure to a disease we can prevent.”

Dr. Cooper indicated that Americans over the age of 65 living in the Bible Belt are “most susceptible to the toxic bullshit and cancerous stupidity” that is getting people infected with COVID-19, despite the availability of vaccines that thus far have shown to be highly efficacious against even the new delta strain. She suggested that children and grandchildren who are worried their pro-MAGA loved ones might be exposed to right-wing moronic talking points on a consistent basis consider talking about it with them. If that doesn’t work, she says “things might have to get more hardcore.”

“Maybe you have to get power of attorney on the grounds that your mom, dad, or grandparent is turned into a spittle-lipped cultist, obsessed with mythical stolen elections,” Cooper said, “or maybe you have to send them out of the house on and errand and smash all their TVs with a hammer while they’re gone. We all have a part to play to keep our family safe.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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