Campbell’s Unveils New “Homestyle Chunky Antifa Missile Stew”

CAMDEN, NEW JERSEY — Campbell’s Soup announced today that a brand new recipe will hit store shelves soon, and they think it’ll be a “tremendous, bigly hit” with one person in particular — the President of the United States.

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“Coming to stores this fall is a brand new soup recipe from our Homestyle line that will make everyone sing its praises,” Campbell’s said in a press release today. “From Main Street to Pennsylvania Avenue, every American will love Campbell’s Homestyle Chunky Antifa Missile Stew!”

According to the press release, this is the fastest Campbell’s has ever developed a signature recipe. Just last week, there were no plans for an Antifa Missile variety, but when the president started talking about people using cans of soup as weapons, the marketing gurus at one of the world’s longest-running food companies decided they needed to strike while the iron was hot. Inspired by his rhetoric, they began brainstorming ways to tie-in far-left radical violence and their wholesome family image.

“When the President of the United States talks about soup, you listen,” Campbell’s release says. “Given that most Americans would rightly consider themselves as Anti-Fascist, or AntiFa, if you will, and they might like to honor those standing up against fascism by purchasing a can of soup, because as we giant, faceless corporations know, there’s no point in taking a principled stance if there’s no profit involved.”

Trump’s thoughts on radical leftists using soup as a missile, seen below:

Campbell’s spokesperson was interviewed on CNBC this afternoon and gave potential consumers a preview of what the new Homestyle Chunky Antifa Missile Stew might taste like.

“Instead of using chicken stock or beef stock, we decided to use bump stocks,” Thad McMichaleson said during the interview. “Of course, we don’t want anyone to use our soups to kill or injure a fellow American in politically-motivated street violence. But, of course, if they’re going to engage in that kind of activity, we sure do hope they’ll be using Campbell’s Homestyle Chunky Antifa Missile Stew!”

Even if consumers aren’t into the soup’s flavor profile, Campbell’s thinks there are other reasons for people to buy it.

“The can will be a little more aerodynamic and have grips on the back,” McMichaleson  explained, “so that you can throw one with a really tight spiral.”

Reportedly, the president has already gotten wind of the new soup recipe and is, according to sources close to the situation, quite unnerved.

“President Trump sees this as a deeply personal attack, and he is not only planning to sue Campbell’s,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters moments ago, “he is asking the joint chiefs of staff to determine if we need to invade New Jersey and liberate the company from its current tyrannical rule. If that doesn’t end up happening, Bill Barr is looking at having the entire company arrested.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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