COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins obviously does not support the impeachment of President Donald Trump. Bohiggins has been consistently one of the loudest voices of support the president could count on from conservative social media influencers. Bohiggins spent much of his show yesterday, which was being recorded just as Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced she was authorizing a full and open impeachment investigation into Trump, sobbing uncontrollably Today, Bohiggins took time during his podcast to remind listeners of a “couple of undisputed, undeniable facts,” which he says “put the whole impeaching Trump thing” into an important context.
“First of off, if we was gonna impeach anyone, it’d have been the nig – I mean the previous black administration,” Bohiggins explained, “over that insanely unpatriotic and unpresidential tan suit incident. I mean, I personally would like to have seen him impeached for the dijon mustard affair, but I realize I can’t dictate to everyone how they feel about everything. However, let’s just table the very real, very serious discussion we should’ve had about impeaching Barack HUSSEIN OBUMMER KENYAN SOCIALIST OBAMA for a moment, and focus instead on something I don’t think the lamestream libtarded media is talking about, and we all know why.”
Mr. Bohiggins reminded his audience that in his interpretation of the Constitution, there are only a handful of things that are legitimate reasons to impeach a president, and when the president in question is a Republican, none of them apply.
“Well, let’s see, you got the fact that they could be a Democrat, which immediately means they’re unAmerican and prolly should be on some kind of pre-impeachment status right off the bat,” Bohiggins said. “Also, pretty much anything I say and feel or think at the time, provided I don’t like the person in office.”
Jethro drew comparisons to former President Bill Clinton, the last president to face an impeachment vote. Ultimately, Clinton was exonerated in the Senate, and largely the Republican effort to oust him was seen as a politically charged endeavor that wound up costing the Republicans control of Congress. Trump, Jethro said, is not accused of any Oval Office shenanigans of a sexual nature.
“Uhh, I might be crazy here, fam, but I don’t remember anyone accusing Dear President Trump of getting a blowie in the Oval Office,” Bohiggins shouted at the camera. “I mean, I can see where if Trump had gotten a blowjob from an intern in a tan suit, that would rise not only to the level of impeachment, but to face the firing squad for treason. That didn’t happen here though, fam! What happened here is that the president called another foreign leader and asked him for help unfairly tipping the scales in his direction so he could win an election! Is that really corruption? No, I’m asking because I don’t actually know for sure…is that technically corrupt?”
Jethro is “extremely agitated” and “incredibly unnerved” that Obama was able to “skate through eight years” and never be impeached, but “the first time Trump gets caught red-handed abusing his power he does.”
“What kinda bullshit is that fam? We all know that every scandal Obama got accused of was covered up by the media instead of there just not being any actual evidence found at the end of the day,” Jethro began, “but all of a sudden our guy gets caught literally in the act breaking the law and abusing his powers and he has to go? Where’s the logic in that? Since when do we hold politicians accountable at any rate? Is it not better for the republic, fam, to have a corrupt president doing corrupt things than to tell him to stop and kick him out of office? CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.