MOSCOW, RUSSIA, — President Vladimir Putin has authorized the Kremlin to file amicus briefs in lawsuit filed by the Trump campaign. The suit is attempting to halt the vote counting operations currently underway in Pennsylvania.
“This morning, I told my staff to let our justice minister know he has the go-ahead to join the Trump campaign’s suit against Pennsylvania,” Putin announced. “As everyone knows, I too have a problem with elections in which votes are just willy-nilly counted as they’re cast, without even the chance for the man in charge to correct any errors people might have made with the choices.”
Putin said he agrees with Trump that counting all the ballots cast is “bad for the country.”
“That country I’m referring to is Russia, of course,” Putin said. “Still, though, it’s not a lie to say that, from Moscow’s point of view anyway, counting all the votes would be bad for the country.”
President Putin gave Trump a “fair, passing, average grade” on his first, and perhaps only term as president. Putin indicated that while he’s “had other, less annoying toadies,” Trump still pleased Putin enough keep the Russian president from “publishing certain video recorded watersports.”
“Did I want him to win another term and then find a way to shred norms and install his family in power for the next generation,” Putin asked rhetorically. “Of course. Who wouldn’t. That was the original game plan. But things happen, and in the fog of election interference, sometimes you have to be nimble and adjust your strategy.”
In one of the closest, most hotly contested election in history, most projections show Biden anywhere from six to seventeen Electoral College votes shy of ejecting Trump from office. Currently the Trump campaign is pursuing legal efforts to stop or inspect vote counting in multiple states. Results are not official, however, until they are certified.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.