What would happen if there was a coup attempted by one political party in the United States of America after, imagine, they lost the presidency and decided to just keep it by force? For many years, scholars and experts have wondered about that exact scenario playing out in the U.S., and after almost 250 years, it appears they have gotten a chance to see what might happen during an attempted American coup.
For over a month, Republicans have been trying to set aside, ignore, and overturn the results of the 2020 election. It’s easy to understand why they’d be eager to declare Donald Trump the winner, but sadly for them the votes and — and the Constitution — have spoken, and indeed Trump has lost. That has not stopped them from filing, and losing, more than four dozen lawsuits attempting to subvert democracy, nor does it mean that outgoing lame duck President Trump has lessened the frequency with which he lies to his voters about the election being “stolen.”
Now, some Republicans in Congress are eyeing the date of January 6th, 2021, as their last desperate attempt to pull off their coup and install Trump for a second term. It is a gambit that is sure to fail and put Vice President Pence in the position of having to officially end his boss’s political career. While scholars are telling us that this Republican coup ultimately failed because its participants are so very stupid, those some experts are warning us the next GOP coup might not be carried out by such idiotic operatives.
“Clearly the people trying to pull a coup right now are utter and complete water-brained fuckwits,” Dr. Katherine Jacobs, Professor of Presidential History at the University of Northwest Southern New York told us via Skype today. “Will that be the case in the future, when the next Republican tries this? Will a candidate Tom Cotton be able to do more damage and actually succeed with a coup, given his professed, published desire to be a murderous, fascist strongman leader? Only time will tell, I’m afraid.”
Another one of Dr. Jacobs fellow historians largely seemed to agree with her warning that Americans should not get complacent and presume that every Republican coup will be as incompetent and comically stupid.
“Oh sweet fucking Jesus Pig Dicking Christ if even a remotely charming and/or intelligent Republican coup were attempted,” Dr. Sloan McGee of the Indiana College Administration board told us, “our entire American experiment is, as we like to say in the history field, fee-fi-fiddly-fo-fucked. As clearly thirsty as they are for fascist strongman authoritarianism, we should all keep in mind that the NEXT Republican coup attempt may not be as charmless or repugnantly stupid.”
There still may not be too much to worry about, Dr. Jacobs admitted, however.
“I mean, it’ll be Republican, and by definition stupid, but I’m just saying it might be catastrophically less stupid,” Jacobs wondered aloud, “and I have to think that could portend even more strife and upheaval. Maybe I’m just being a worrywart though. Last week I swore I had bowel cancer, and it’s just that I tore my hemorrhoid from having such stingy, painful, burning diarrhea so often that I literally wiped it into an open wound. Feels like there’s some kind of analogy there, but I’m in too much asshole pain to figure it out right now.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.