Biden Plans to Deploy Official Democrat Antifa Squads In the Event of Post-Election Civil Unrest

SCHLANGE LAKE, FLORIDA — Just after concluding a campaign stop in Florida this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told reporters that if he wins the election next week, he’ll ensure a “productive and peaceful transition of power” by engaging the DNC’s official Antifa squads, deputizing and empowering them to patrol America’s streets, quelling civil unrest. Biden said he doesn’t expect to need to call on the Democrat Antifa Squad, or DAS as it’s known to insiders, but that he’d “rather not take any big chances.”

“The DAS is a highly trained, special mission force. It’s mission? To force Trump supporters into FEMA camps, of course,” Biden campaign spokesperson Cheryl McWilliams explained just moments ago. “At which point, we will force everyone to put on a mask, get gay married, conceive a child, and then abort that child while burning an American flag. It’s the one part of the Obama/Soros agenda that was never fully implemented, and Vice President Biden wants to rectify that if the American people give him the job next week.”

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The DAS is funded through a joint commission of highly-elite Democrats. Former President Barack Hussein Obama sits on its board, as do George Soros and Bill Gates, who is the head of research and development into creating new virus and the vaccines needed to safeguard against them. Biden told the press today that if Americans are worried about seeing unidentifiable, jackbooted thugs patrolling their streets looking for dissidents to round-up, they should “remember Trump started it.”

“Look, I don’t wanna do it, Jack, okay? I don’t wanna do this, Buster! Believe me, Squirt, this isn’t something I’m going to be gleeful about,” Biden said, “but Trump started it with his secret federal police force this summer. And as you all know, once one president does something, every subsequent president has to do it. It’s like Barack and those drones trikes, capice, Kiddo?”

There can be little doubt that this year’s presidential election is one of the most consequential and hotly contested battles in American political history. While polling shows Biden in a widening lead nationally among likely voters, and even perhaps having a chance at flipping long-held Republican stronghold states for the Dems, many voters are wary of presuming too much from the polling data, given that 2016 was such a fluke year. There hasn’t been this level of angst and dread about civil unrest following an election since perhaps 1860, when Abraham Lincoln’s victory brought on so much worry to southern slaveholders.

“Listen here, Pal, I plan to run this country like I’m the president of every American, not just the ones who voted for me,” Biden explained even further. “So, I hope that we don’t need the DAS to do anything at all. My hope is that this country heals. But if there’s one thing I learned watching Barack do the job for eight years, it’s that you should never miss a chance to troll the far right and float wild ideas that aren’t based in reality; that shit is super-duper fun, fam.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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