Barr Says Presidents Can Ignore Election Results They Don’t Agree With

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr, in an interview with Slimebag Fascist Enabling Toady Fucksticks Quarterly, intimated that he believes his operating principle of “unitary presidential power” gives a sitting president the legal authority to ignore any election results they don’t personally agree with.

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“I’m not saying the Constitution says this is the case, mind you,” Barr told the magazine, “I’m just saying this is a feeling I have. And that’ll gladly make in a legal brief before one of the judges that Mitch McConnell helped get rammed through into a lifetime appointment.”

Barr theorizes that “the founders surely would have wanted presidents to have kingly, universal powers,” and that those powers would “logically extend to elections.”

“If he’s the chief executive of our country, who is in a better position to judge if an election is valid, but him? He has a duty to make sure elections go the way he wants and needs them to,” Barr explained.

Some of wondered if President Trump is capable of peacefully handing over power if he were to lose in the fall. In over forty other such occasions, no president has made an attempt to hold onto power after they’d been defeated or hit a term limit ceiling. However, Trump’s flair for the unprecedented and penchant for completely demolishing institutional norms has some wondering if he might challenge election results he doesn’t like. According to Barr, that’s “moot point wrapped in a likely irrelevant question.”

“Nobody has to worry about Trump not accepting the results of the election, because it’s perfectly within his right, and his powers as I see them anyway, to completely ignore any election he wants to,” Barr said. “Particularly if the election results hurt his big bitch baby boy feelings, he gets to ignore them. I’m sorry, but I don’t just enforce the rules, I also make them up.”

Trump has not made it a secret that he desperately wants to win his re-election. Many believe that he knows if he loses, the State of New York and other jurisdictions could be lined up, waiting to serve him with civil and criminal charges based on reporting and investigations conducted during his first term. That fear of prosecution, some say, could make Trump desperate enough to make an attempt to invalidate the results of an election he loses. Others have speculated that he may quit the race if his poll numbers, which have been sliding further and further behind Democratic nominee Joe Biden, don’t improve.

Just this week, AltFacts reported that Trump warned his base and the country at large to look out for his enemies attempting an “electoral coup” on him.

“An electoral coup is when they brazenly — and quite nastily and RUDELY if you ask me — vote for someone else other than me,” Trump explained. “The worst part is that SLEEPY PEEPY WEEPY TOE-TEEPY Joe Biden will get more votes than me! That will take me out of power, they say! I mean, Billy Barr is looking into whether I have the power, as president, to ignore election results if I don’t like them, but this is another attempted coup on me, Jack!” (AltFacts)

On the Hill, Trump’s allies seem to be ready to back Barr’s legal opinion.

“I think, clearly, if a Democrat were saying this, it’d be illegal, immoral, wrong, socialist, and probably treason,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Phallic Folds) told reporters, “but being a Republican, I think Trump’s gonna be just fine if he wants to ignore the election results. I also give high praise to AG Barr for always finding new ways to bend over backwards to lick the president’s balls. That takes real commitment, and I think it shows a lack of integrity we all should aspire to.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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