|Before reading this column any further, please be advised that I will be discussing a personal medical matter in great, gory detail. If you are the kind who finds yourself a little squeamish about topics of a frank, candid, and yes, a sexual nature, this may not be the op-ed for you. However, for any medical professionals reading the following, please know you can contact my editors directly at this outlet, and they can put you in touch with me.
Thank you for reading.
It’s never easy for most of us to discuss things that involve private, personal matters. When those matters are not only private and personal, but also genital in nature? It’s downright impossible to get most anyone to really open about them. I tried as hard as I could to not write this, but in the end, I’m left with no other options. Truthfully, as terrified as I am to write this, I’m far more terrified about the future that be in store for me if I don’t reach out into the cold, cold darkness of the Internet and ask just one question of everyone.
Should I Be Concerned That My Penile Discharge Looks Exactly Like Stephen Miller?
Like, I’m not saying what’s coming out of my dick looks a little bit like Stephen Miller. I’m not saying that if you squint your eyes and use your imagination it looks like him. I’m saying that as soon as as the discharge comes oozing out of the tip of my penis, you’d swear to God that I’d just birthed White House adviser and speechwriter Stephen Miller from it.
It’s almost like Stephen Miller lives inside my pee-pee hole. But, as far as I know, Stephen Miller doesn’t actually call my cock his place of residence. If he did, I’m sure he’d vote absentee despite writing speeches for his boss to read that call that sort of thing un-American voter fraud. Since I haven’t gotten any new voter registration for Miller sent to my genitals, I have to presume that it’s not Miller I see coming out of my dick, but a penile discharge that looks exactly like him.
I know about when I started noticing that the viscous, chunky, seriously balding goop started seeping out of my penis. However, I don’t know why it started happening. All I know is that one day I was using the bathroom, felt something weird and racist in my testicles, and then all of a sudden, the next thing I knew, a slimy slug-like substance was pushing its way out of my penis, and into the urinal.
“What in the…what the fuck,” I remember asking myself. “Is that…is that fucking Stephen Miller?”
I wasn’t really sure myself until my penile discharge heard me say its name, and it turned around to look back up at me. It made eye contact with me as it raised what I presume was its right hand at an angle, upward toward the sky.
How could I think it was anything but Stephen Miller? It looked like Stephen Miller, and it talked like Stephen Miller! To be clear, I cannot be certain that Stephen Miller is my penile discharge, but I’ve never seen Stephen Miller and my penile discharge in the same room together, so it at the very least seems pretty plausible, doesn’t it?
At the end of it all, the truth is that I just don’t know what in the world is going on in my pants-tastic region. This could be a long dormant STD, or maybe a racist parasite wormed its way inside my cock hole like he did to Donald Trump. I may never know.
I guess I’m just hoping that someone out there has the medical knowledge I need to answer this question. It’s a very serious question, and it requires only the most serious of responses. So please, if you or someone you know has ever had penile discharge that looks like Stephen Miller, or are a doctor who has treated a patient for having penile discharge that looked like Stephen Miller, please email me here, at [email protected]
I look forward to your replies.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.