WASHINGTON, D.C. — Earlier this year, during Senate testimony, William Barr — Attorney General and designer of President Trump’s latest model of handbags designed to carry water for as long is as necessary — sent shock waves through the Hill when he said he believed “spying did occur” on the Trump campaign in 2016. Barr would later walk back just how forcefully he was making the claim, though he said he was trying to get his “arms around” everything that transpired in the Mueller investigation.
Barr said he thinks it’s a “big problem” when campaigns spied on.
It has long been asserted without any evidence by Trump that the Obama administration spied on his campaign. However, even the last attorney general stopped short of ever accusing the Obama White House of malfeasance, and in fact in the two years since taking office, the theory that Obama “spied” on Trump has been shot down by officials in both political parties. Whatever Barr’s impetus for opening the new investigation, apparently he isn’t content to just open one; Barr is opening another investigation into the Obama administration.
“What I think everyone, every single American citizen, wants to know is something very simple,” Barr told reporters coming back from his lunch break today, “and that’s whether or not the previous presidential administration did anything to force the current president to be a duplicitous, lifelong conman and racist idiot. I will not rest until these questions are answered.”
Barr reiterated that the Mueller Report, which he still has not released, “completely and totally exonerates” Trump on the issue of obstruction of justice. However, it doesn’t get into whether or not Barack Obama held a gun to Trump’s head and turned him into a lying, double-dealing, corrupt, senile old bastard. That, Barr said, is “of utmost concern” to the security of the nation.
There’s no way of knowing how long Obama might have been forcing Trump to be a “literal racist fucking moron.” Obviously, Barr argues, it’s Obama’s fault that there are things about President Trump that are “repugnant and repulsive beyond what Mueller could have ever reported on.” Barr knows “deep in [his] heart,” that Trump is innocent of charges of obstruction of justice, but he reiterated that the American public cannot see the report that completely exonerates Trump because “it’s almost too exonerate-y.”
“We know for a fact that Obama personally spied on the president with the microwaves he had installed in the White House before handing over the keys,” Barr told reporters. “What I want to know is if he did something earlier, like decades earlier, that made Trump a vile, contemptible piece of human garbage.”
AG Barr says there is a “clear and simple” reason he has to investigate Obama.
“Everyone knows Obama is the cause of literally everything that’s wrong in America, and frankly the planet,” Barr said. “So no we’re going to get to the bottom of just how much sway he had on Trump’s ability to not be a human racist diatribe in an over sized winter coat.”
Ultimately, Barr says there are “just too many unanswered questions” about how Obama treated Trump for him to simply ignore them.
“Did Obama personally force President Trump to say gross things about his daughter? Did Obama personally put a gun to Trump’s head and force him to be a tax dodging liar,” Barr asked rhetorically. “If it wasn’t Obama, we know it was prolly George Soros or the Clintons, or even the ghost of Saul Alinsky.”
Barr brushed aside questions about whether he was wasting taxpayer money investigating a conspiracy theory.
“Excuse me?! Did you not pay attention to the Benghazi hearings? Republicans absolutely love wasting money investigating conspiracy theories,” Barr said. “Money is no object. Now, real conspiracies to cover up presidential crimes? That’s something Republicans will ignore until, well, forever, really.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”