Barack Obama Explains Why His Labor Secretary Didn’t Step Down Over Coddling a Rich Pedophile

A SECRET SOCIALIST SHARIA BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA — Today, President Donald Trump’s labor secretary, Alexander Acosta, tendered his resignation. Mr. Trump tweeted the news to the world, and said that Acosta was resigning at least partially because of the media attention on the fact that as a prosecutor, Acosta agreed to a very light plea deal on previous charges of sexual abuse against Epstein. Mr. Epstein was arrested and charged with the sexual trafficking of minors just days ago, sparking interest in the role Acosta played in his previous plea deal.

Initially, Acosta held a press conference and defended his work on the previous Epstein case. It seemed at first that he may attempt to simply weather the storm of negative headlines and attention. However, this morning Acosta abruptly ended his tenure with the Trump administration. President Trump himself has a well-documented history of friendship with Epstein, and it’s unclear whether Trump himself partied with Epstein when there were underage minors around.

In a related story, former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) gave a speech to devotees of the Alinsky-Soros Institute of Libtardia and Indoctrination this morning via Skype, from his secret bunker miles below the surface of the planet. It’s still unclear at this time why, but Obama made sure to bring up Acosta and his impending departure from the Trump administration. With his trademark socialist sharia smirk, Obama spoke to his followers.

“Now we see that President Trump is losing his labor secretary. I’ve lost count of how many of these people, who he says are only the best, he’s lost,” Obama said with sarcasm dripping from his tone. “But Acosta’s announcement this morning made me pause and reflect on my own eight years in the White House, and it made me realize I didn’t have a labor secretary resign because he coddled a pedophile, and I feel kind of left out. In fact, I didn’t have a single secretary in my cabinet resign because they gave a sweetheart deal to a rich sexual predator, and I want to just address why that is right here, and right now.”

Obama paused, took a sip from a glass labeled, “Commie Power Juice,” and continued.

“It’s true, my labor secretary didn’t resign because they helped keep a sex slave holder who preyed on minors from serving too much time,” Obama said, “but in my defense, it’s because I never had to. Let me explain further.”

He took another sip from the glass and Obama continued.

“I never had that happen because I literally never had to because I literally never hired someone who went easy on pedophiles because they were rich,” Mr. Obama told everyone. “Basically, I learned that hiring good people prevented having bad people leave my administration. Crazy, I know, right?”

President Obama took one more sip of Commie Power Juice and said one more thing on the subject before moving on.

“The bottom line is my labor secretaries weren’t viliannous cretins,” Obama divulved, “and so I missed out on the age-old presidential tradition of watching a member of your cabinet resign because they gave one of my rich golfing buddies a pass on diddling little girls. My bad, everyone, I’ll do better next time. Now, let’s talk about how we’re gonna finally round up all the guns and force people to get gay married to abortion doctors, shall we?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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