WASHINGTON, D.C. — No matter how many attempts at satire they write at her expense, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will not now, nor will she ever fuck any writer for The Babylon Bee. This, at least according to a statement Rep. Ocasio-Cortez made earlier today on the subject.
“Apparently I have to say this every six weeks or so, because they aren’t listening over there. As flattered as I am at all their stories about me, I simply must decline their obvious overtures for sexual consummation of our relationship,” Ocasio-Cortez’s statement reads. “Besides, if their members are half as flaccid as their jokes, that would leave me twice as disappointed in them, and that’s not what any woman wants from her lover. Though, I also acknowledge that they may not be comfortable with me sharing my opinions, as a woman, so we’re striking out all over the place, aren’t we?”
Since being elected in 2018, Rep. Ocasio-Cortez, AOC as she’s known by the public at large, has been the center of quite a bit of right-wing mockery and scorn. Usually, the jokes are about her former profession, a bartender, and her knowledge of economics, despite holding multiple advanced degrees in both. She referenced those jokes in her statement about whether or not she’d fuck someone who wrote for the The Babylon Bee.
“When I was working as a bartender, I’d see plenty of guys walk into the bar, get drunk and try to insult their way into making me think they were special,” Ocasio-Cortez wrote. “I slept with 0% of them, which is math I can easily do thanks to the fact that I went to college and finished higher in my class than all those idiots.”
Over the course of the last four days alone, The Babylon Bee has written roughly a dozen pieces (it might be more or less; we refuse to actually visit their site because it’s filled with diarrhea and hate speech) about Rep. Ocasio-Cortez’s revelation that she’s a sexual assault survivor. In the same time period, The Babylon Bee has also run several allegedly satirical articles insinuating that AOC was lying about her whereabouts during the capitol siege on January 6th, 2021, though experts have weighed in and said it appears the people who write and read The Babylon Bee are simply confused about what the term “capitol complex” means, and that they’re bargain basement morons.
“Honestly? Those guys are just coming off super thirsty, and I have plenty to drink already,” Ocasio-Cortez insisted. “Although, to be fair, I guess when they’re making fun of me, they’re not using the only other joke they know and dehumanizing transgender people. I’m still not going to sleep with any of them though, no matter how much it’s obvious to everyone else that they want me to.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.