KEYSTONE, SOUTH DAKOTA — Today, the National Parks Service announced that it would begin work on preparations for an addition to Mount Rushmore. The changes will be the first update to the monument since its opening in October of 1941.
“We will be preparing the backside of the mountain for the addition of a bust that best represents Donald Trump, forty-fifth President of the United States of America,” an NPS press release states.
This news might not come as a surprise to anyone who’s been following the news or the president’s tweets. Over the weekend, CNN reported that Trump approached South Dakota about adding him to the busts that already appear on Mount Rushmore. However, President Trump called the report “Fake News.” Trump did give himself a compliment in the tweet, however, and experts say that proves he’s recovering from surgery and should be able to fit his entire penis in his mouth, now that he’s had a rib removed.
This is Fake News by the failing @nytimes & bad ratings @CNN. Never suggested it although, based on all of the many things accomplished during the first 3 1/2 years, perhaps more than any other Presidency, sounds like a good idea to me! https://t.co/EHrA9yUsAw
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 10, 2020
During an off-camera press briefing, Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick explained more about the Trump bust that will be added to one of the country’s most iconic and easily recognizable man-made landmarks.
“Listen up, you dog-ass piece of shit fuckface reporters,” Huckabee Sanders said, “when you are the president, you’re entitled to certain perks. One of which, is of course, having statues and monuments made from your likeness.”
The addition of Trump’s bust to Mount Rushmore, however, will be anything but routine.
“The bust will depict the president’s well-toned, frankly perfect buttocks y’all,” McDitzydick explained, “and it will take artisans sixteen years, we estimate, to perfectly craft that posterior into the mountainside.”
President Trump is said to be “ecstatic” about his addition to Rushmore. McDitzydick said that the Trump bust will be unique not just because it won’t feature his face, but also because it won’t share any space with other presidents. Trump’s rump will have the mountain all to itself.
“But that’s not something he decided out of ego,” McDitzydick said. “It’s a matter of logistics. There simply would not be room for any other presidential butt cheeks up there once we get Mr. Trump’s in place.”
Although there will not be any room left on Mount Rushmore, McDitzydick says that “more great American heroes” will be given a chance to be memorialized by the Trump administration at various national parks and monuments throughout the country.
“Stephen Miller has asked that he consider erecting a monument to the greatest president this continent has ever seen,” McDitzydick explained, “but we’re not sure where to put the statue of Jefferson Davis just yet. Some have suggested we put it right next to the Martin Luther King statue here in the nation’s capital, but that just seems wrong and inappropriate.”
The press pool looked at each other with puzzlement; had Ms. McDitzydick really just said something so in-line with mainstream thought?
“After all, MLK was never president of anything,” she continued, assuaging the reporters’ fears that she’d grown a conscience overnight, “and so that puts Davis on a little higher level than Martin Luther King, does it not?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.