KEYSTONE, SOUTH DAKOTA — Today, the National Parks Service announced that it would begin work this year on preparations for an addition to Mount Rushmore. The changes will be the first update to the monument since its opening in October of 1941.
“We will be preparing the backside of the mountain for the addition of a bust that best represents Donald Trump, forty-fifth President of the United States of America,” an NPS press release states.
During an off-camera press briefing, Deputy White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained more about the Trump bust that will be added to one of the country’s most iconic and easily recognizable man-made landmarks.
“Look y’all,” Huckabee Sanders said, “when you win the presidency in such a clear and obvious landslide, not counting the sixteen trillion illegal votes in the popular contest of course, then you’re entitled to certain perks. One of which, is of course, having statues and monuments made from your likeness.”
The addition of Trump’s bust to Mount Rushmore, however, will be anything but routine.
“The bust will depict the president’s well-toned, frankly perfect buttocks y’all,” Huckabee Sanders explained, “and it will take artisans sixteen years, we estimate, to perfectly craft that posterior into the mountainside.”
President Trump is said to be “ecstatic” about his addition to Rushmore. Huckabee Sanders said that the Trump bust will be unique not just because it won’t feature his face, but also because it won’t share any space with other presidents. Trump’s rump will have the mountain all to itself.
“But that’s not something he decided out of ego y’all,” Huckabee Sanders drawled, “It’s a matter of logistics. There simply would not be room for any other presidential butt cheeks up there once we get Mr. Trump’s in place.”
Although there will not be any room left on Mount Rushmore, Huckabee Sanders says that “more great American heroes” will be given a chance to be memorialized by the Trump administration at various national parks and monuments throughout the country.
“Co-President Bannon has asked that we consider erecting a monument to the greatest president this continent has ever seen,” Huckabee Sanders explained, “but we’re not sure where to put the statue of Jefferson Davis just yet. Some have suggested we put it right next to the Martin Luther King statue here in the nation’s capital, but that just seems wrong and inappropriate.”
The press pool looked at each other with puzzlement; had Ms. Huckabee Sanders really just said something so in-line with mainstream thought?
“After all, MLK was never president of anything,” she continued, assuaging the reporters’ fears that she’d grown a conscience overnight, “and so that puts Davis on a little higher level than Martin Luther King, don’t it? Yeeee hawwwwwww, y’all! Yee haw.”
This is a developing story.
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