No Matter What, I Back the Blue. Until I Beat Them With a Flagpole During an Insurrection.

The following editorial was submitted by State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R). Because of our long-standing commitment to bringing you, the reader, all sides of any issue, we have agreed to reprint Rep. Thompaulsen’s commentary in its entirety. The views and opinions expressed below are those of Rep. Thompaulsen and not necessarily those of this outlet or its staff. 

I am not ever going to apologize for this: I back the blue. Period.

Unless I’m in the middle of an insurrection, attempting to topple democracy because my feelings are super-duper hurt that math is a thing. Then? I’m probably going to be bludgeoning a cop with a flagpole, or maybe even a fire extinguisher. But other than that — I BACK THE BLUE.

Wait, there’s another time I’m not going to support cops. It’s when they’re telling good, clean, white, ammo hoarding patriotic Americans that they can’t threaten to kill school board members over mask mandates. I’m sorry, but this is America! Any jackbooted thug who arrests someone just because they brought a few guns to a school board meeting and brandished them while threatening the lives of anyone who takes the advice of trained medical professionals is a tool of evil and tyranny.

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But other than that, I totally back the blue.

Oh crap.

Hold on.

I just thought of one more reason I wouldn’t back the blue.

Let’s say it’s a cop who shoots a woman who was only trying to break into the secured seat of power in our American democracy in order to topple it. I’d definitely not back the blue in that instance. Because, like when I mentioned participating in coup attempts, insurrections are a constitutional right…if you’re white, conservative, and sad.

I’m also not a fan of cops who arrest kids for shooting people during riots. Those cops are bad cops. The cops that guard abortion clinics can fuck off too. And now that I think of it, if there’s a cop arresting a white collar criminal for dodging taxes, that cop is a thug asshole fuckface too.

But other than all those other very specific times, I BACK THE BLUE!

And you should too, you commie cucks.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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