Yesterday, an FDA panel voted unanimously to recommend authorization of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5 to 11 years old. It represents a key milestone in the global pandemic, and offers even more opportunities for life to return to some form of pre-COVID normal.
Now, though, might be a good time to discuss what some of the side effects of the vaccine might be for our younger kids. Namely, will they begin to get much better 5G reception? If so, will Bill Gates’ microchip enable you to begin using your kids to make calls, send texts, and surf the web?
We got the opinions of a few experts, and here’s what they told us.
Dr. Nicki Minaj
“Well, I can’t be sure myself, so I asked my friend’s cousin. He told me that after getting a COVID-19 vaccine, he got much better 5G reception from his balls. Interestingly enough, though, his dick’s 5G was slightly worse.”
Dr. Jenny McCarthy
“My son got a COVID-19 vaccine and then wouldn’t return my phone calls for the last six years. Obviously his shot hurt his 5G reception, and that’s why he hasn’t said anything to me for over half a decade, I bet.”
Dr. Ashli Babbitt
“While I have plenty of experience taking shots, honestly I can’t say anything about the COVID vaccine and 5G coverage. On account of me being a dead domestic terrorist, and all.”
Dr. Horseface McCaveTroll
“Masks are child abuse. Vaccines are child abuse. Seat belts are child abuse. Sneeze guards on salad bars are child abuse. Secret Jewish Space Lasers are child abuse.”
Dr. John Barron
“Whether or not a COVID vaccine will get your 5Gs higher, or whatever, I don’t really give a fuck. All I know is that anyone who took the bleach shot I suggested last year wouldn’t even be worrying about COVID right now. BOOM. NAILED IT. SUCK IT, LOSERS!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.