Experts Weigh-In: Will Your 10 Year Old’s 5G Reception Improve After Getting the COVID-19 Vaccine?

Yesterday, an FDA panel voted unanimously to recommend authorization of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5 to 11 years old. It represents a key milestone in the global pandemic, and offers even more opportunities for life to return to some form of pre-COVID normal.

Now, though, might be a good time to discuss what some of the side effects of the vaccine might be for our younger kids. Namely, will they begin to get much better 5G reception? If so, will Bill Gates’ microchip enable you to begin using your kids to make calls, send texts, and surf the web?

DeSantis Offers $5,000 to Any Cop With COVID That Makes Out With Him

We got the opinions of a few experts, and here’s what they told us.

Dr. Nicki Minaj

“Well, I can’t be sure myself, so I asked my friend’s cousin. He told me that after getting a COVID-19 vaccine, he got much better 5G reception from his balls. Interestingly enough, though, his dick’s 5G was slightly worse.”

Dr. Jenny McCarthy

“My son got a COVID-19 vaccine and then wouldn’t return my phone calls for the last six years. Obviously his shot hurt his 5G reception, and that’s why he hasn’t said anything to me for over half a decade, I bet.”

Dr. Ashli Babbitt

“While I have plenty of experience taking shots, honestly I can’t say anything about the COVID vaccine and 5G coverage. On account of me being a dead domestic terrorist, and all.”

Dr. Horseface McCaveTroll

“Masks are child abuse. Vaccines are child abuse. Seat belts are child abuse. Sneeze guards on salad bars are child abuse. Secret Jewish Space Lasers are child abuse.”

Dr. John Barron

“Whether or not a COVID vaccine will get your 5Gs higher, or whatever, I don’t really give a fuck. All I know is that anyone who took the bleach shot I suggested last year wouldn’t even be worrying about COVID right now. BOOM. NAILED IT. SUCK IT, LOSERS!”

Jim Jordan Won’t Admit the Election Wasn’t Stolen or That Trump’s Balls Don’t Taste Like Candy

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This