DeSantis Offers $5,000 to Any Cop With COVID That Makes Out With Him

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — The Governor of Florida is bound and determined to get police officers unvaccinated against COVID-19 to consider moving to his state.

Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q), who keeps assuring his constituents he’s not eyeing a 2024 presidential bid, already made a name for himself as one of the country’s elected officials most willing to stand against the advice of health officials when combating the pandemic outbreak of COVID-19 in his state. DeSantis has attempted to block school boards from mandating masking, private companies from mandating vaccination, and last week offered to give any unvaccinated cop who walks off the job in another state rather than accept a free, live-saving vaccine a bonus of $5,000 if they move to Florida.

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Today, DeSantis made yet another offer of a cash reward to out of state cops.

“Look, I just think it’s absolutely criminal how these police are being asked to comply with a higher authority they have no control over, or else, and I’m here to rectify that situation,” DeSantis told reporters. “Call me crazy, but I find unvaccinated, potentially covid-positive cops to be heroes. Sexy heroes, at that.”

Which is why he’s offering five grand to any cop that can prove they have COVID-19 and comes to the governor’s mansion for a “hot, patriotic makeout sesh.”

“Nothing will spread freedom in America’s Dong State faster than a bunch of officers, sick with COVID, coming here and spreading it, Freedom Style! I was raised to always put in the maximum effort in all things. I’m simply just not doing my duties if I don’t personally tongue wrestle with at least, at bare minimum, sixteen or seventeen covid-positive cops, and I will not sleep until I accomplish that exact mission.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) praised Gov. DeSantis latest pro-COVID actions on Fox News this morning.

“I have to just tell you, I am so proud to call Governor DeSantis a friend of mine. It takes real courage to stand up to tyrannical medical health professionals giving you sound advice based on their years of training and education,” Cruz told the hosts of Fox & Friends. “That’s the kind of courage we need from our elected officials, and I’d like to volunteer to kiss a few sick cops myself.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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