WASHINGTON, D.C. — There is no amount of love lost between Donald Trump and the State of California, and that is no big secret on Capitol Hill.
In 2016, then-candidate Trump was smoked by Hillary Clinton, losing by nearly 30%, and garnering none of the Golden State’s coveted Electoral College votes. Despite cocky assurances that his election integrity investigation squad would turn up evidence of massive, widespread voter fraud in California, to this date President Trump has produced no such evidence. It’s unclear at this point if he will ever be able to provide the American public with proof of his claims.
When Jerry Brown was the governor of the state, he had his own dustups with Trump over environmental and economic policies. Brown’s retirement and subsequent replacement by fellow Democrat Gavin Newsom did nothing to quell the tensions. In recent days, as fires burn in several parts of California, Mr. Trump has taken to Twitter to bash Gov. Newsom and the entire state itself. Trump has reportedly considered cutting off federal assistance to California for the fires, even though much of the burning acreage is on federal lands, which many argue Trump’s administration would be legally responsible for.
The Governor of California, @GavinNewsom, has done a terrible job of forest management. I told him from the first day we met that he must “clean” his forest floors regardless of what his bosses, the environmentalists, DEMAND of him. Must also do burns and cut fire stoppers…..
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 3, 2019
This morning, reportedly Mr. Trump sought a compromise with California, through unusual channels. At just after 9am this morning, Trump placed a call to the President of California from inside the Oval Office. Trump and California’s president first spent half an hour telling one another how smart, sexy, and fit for office they are. Then they spent another fifteen minutes assuring each other that neither of their genitals are oddly shaped and/or microscopic. With the important topics out of the way, President Trump pivoted to the reason for his call.
“Hey, President of California,” Trump began his entreaty, “I was wondering if you could, you know, do me a little favor?”
Before he could get to what his favor was, the President of California cut him off.
“Whoah! Whoah! Hold up, Mr. President, sir,” the other president said. “I know what you mean when you say that. And let me make one thing perfectly clear. I cannot help you find dirt on the Bidens, okay? Not because I have some bullshit moral objection to it, or nothin’ like that, okay? Because I’m too stupid, Mr. President. Also it doesn’t probably exist, but really, more importantly sir, it’s just very important to me, right now, to express to you that I am really, really dumb.”
Both men shared a tense laugh, unsure whether they laughing at or with each other.
“Look, buddy, you and I both know that Newsom kid’s a real son of a bitch, okay? A real piece of work,” Trump started over. “He’s an incompetent idiot, and I should know, because it’s like when cats can smell where other cats piss, you know what I mean, President California?”
The President of California did, indeed, know what Trump meant.
“Yeah, I know what you mean, sir, Mr. President, sir,” the other president confirmed. “He really is a total and complete jackass moron fuckface. And it takes a certain ability to sense other complete jackass moron fuckfaces in the room, I think, to know that for sure.”
Both men agreed they were equally intelligent, intuitive, and had very big hands they would enjoy shaking, the next time they were in the same room together. Perhaps they should meet for a golf outing. President Trump told his Californian presidential counterpart he’s “gotten quite used to barking conspiracy theories over helicopter engine noises” during impromptu press conferences. He’d get to do that again if he set up a trip where he’d need to be taken by helicopter to Air Force One. They agreed they’d set up golfing together in the next couple of weeks.
“But look, as much as that douchebag Newsom — and I mean, I can just really tell what a load of douche he is, like how an arsonist can tell when other arsonists have torched a building — is a total idiot,” Trump said, “we need him to do his part out there. He’s still responsible for the fire mess. It may be federal land, and I may be the chief federal officer, but I have, truly and genuinely, no real fuckin’ clue what that means. Totally clueless.”
The men simultaneously farted.
“Honestly, sir,” the President of California admitted, “neither do I. That prolly means it doesn’t matter. Prolly.”
“Yes. Prolly,” Trump said.
After another hour long conversation about why the White House TVs can’t all be permanently set to re-run old episodes of The Apprentice, “just the me and Ivanka parts,” Trump would bellyache, the President of California agreed to contact Newsom and engage him on Trump’s behalf.
“I want you to be tough. I want you to be firm,” Trump commanded. “I want you to let him know that we don’t think he should be able to shirk his responsibility. You don’t have to call him an incompetent idiot, but if it happens to come up organically in conversation, don’t fight it.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.