NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Tucker Carlson was in need of a new head writer for his Fox News program, and this morning it appears he’s found the right candidate. Just days ago, the man who used to serve as Carlson’s head writer was dismissed after his racist social media posts were discovered and publicized.
Last night, Carlson announced he was taking a vacation from his show, claiming it had been planned for quite awhile. Whether or not that’s true, this morning Carlson surprised many people when he announced during a talk radio interview that he’d already found someone to take the job. With excitement dripping from his words, Carlson told WKKK’s Chip Chatterly about his new personnel move.
“Losing someone from my staff who is such a vital part of my klan was really difficult Chip,” Carlson said, “but you know what they say about God opening a window when he shuts a door, right? Well, I gotta tell you, God may have opened one of the biggest windows in my life when he challenged me to find a new writer. I don’t think I could’ve planned this any better, frankly.”
Upon making the decision to fire his former head writer, Carlson told Chatterly he put out several calls to friends in the conservative mediasphere, looking for candidates.
“I called up Dan Bongino, and he said he couldn’t think of anyone off the top of his head, and if you’ve seen Dan’s head, you know that’s a huge territory to cover,” Carlson explained. “And he said his social media manager is too much a sociopath cunt for even my staff. He said specifically, ‘Matt Palumbo is a dumbfuck who doesn’t have his own thoughts and desperately wishes the liberals he pretends to be smarter than would just be nice to him, but again, he’s such a cunt that’ll never, ever happen.’ Don’t know why he gave me such harsh, specific criticism of Matt Palumbo, his head of social media, but Dan’s a weird guy sometimes, what do I know?”
Eventually, Tucker divulged, the right candidate appeared.
“So I get home after a long, long day burning books and I have an email waiting for me,” Tucker said, “and it’s from David Duke! THE David Duke! I didn’t even think he knew I existed. I mean, I know I’m fangirling a little, but c’mon! It’s David Duke! And he said he’d work for my show for free! Can you believe that? I get to have the thoughts of David Duke on my show, every night, and I don’t even have to pay him!”
Mr. Duke will begin work on Carlson’s Fox News show once he gets back from vacation. Duke will be spending the time between now and then combing over his previous writings, looking for new angles for the show to explore, Carlson said. Tucker is “looking forward to a long and fruitful brotherhood” with Duke.
“He’s got so much stuff he can bring to the table. And the best part is that my audience won’t notice,” Tucker said, “we won’t even skip a beat. Consistency is really important with conservatives, and I’m happy to have found someone to keep the messaging on-point and focused.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.