Devos Identifying a Few Thousand Students America Can Afford To Die From Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy Devos told the media today that she’s been “hard at work” identifying several thousand American children that the country could “reasonably afford to lose” to COVID-19.

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The Trump administration has not made it a secret that it wants students back in classes this fall. The prevailing thought is that without schools open and students attending them, many parents will be forced to stay out of the workforce if they cannot work remotely. This would have a disastrous impact on the economy, and the president needs a strong economic picture to run his re-election campaign on. Healthcare professionals worry, however, that opening the schools up now without stronger testing and a vaccine or therapeutic drugs for COVID-19, things could be quite dire, exposing millions of students, teachers, and faculties, to the virus.

While data so far seems to indicate that the risks associated with the novel coronavirus are much lower for young children than for adults, the fact remains that a percentage of children who contract the virus do die from complications of the infection. Some models project more than 10,000 students could perish if public schools are opened back up. Regardless of just how many would die, the math seems to suggest that several hundred, if not thousands, of families could lose their children if parents are forced to send their kids back to school too soon.

Secretary Devos doesn’t necessarily view such projections as “deal breakers,” however. She told reporters today that in her mind “some parents might have some hard choices to make” and other parents “might have to face facts about their sniveling little shits.” Ultimately, Devos believes it’s her “duty and moral responsibility” to help parents figure out if their kid should be “sacrificed on the altar of Donald Trump’s political career.”

“I am sure that if we dig deep enough we’ll find a little dirty faced grom we can afford to lose,” Devos stated, “and if we can find one, we can find a few thousand. And you have to ask yourselves, isn’t losing 14,000 brave young kids to the virus better than keeping them at home, where they are far less likely to contract or spread the disease? Don’t answer that question, I hate it when people’s answers make my questions look as dumb as I am!”

Secretary Devos even seems to think parents might think it’s an honor, to lose their child to the virus, if it means the economy is strengthened in the process.

“Don’t you think some parents might consider it a badge of honor, if their child is chosen by God to die for our president’s re-election? I sure do,” Devos insisted.

In order to help expedite the winnowing process, Devos says she started by eliminating kids who live in red states. Her reasoning was that parents who were too grief stricken over losing their children to COVID might not feel up to voting for her boss in the fall. That left her looking at kids who live in blue states, and she said she decided to look at the voter registration records in each state to help her narrow the candidates down even further.

“As a good, clean, white, pro-life Christian American woman, nothing would please me more than finding a few thousand little shits who are holding back our Dear President’s economy,” Devos said, “and terminating them. After all, what nobler sacrifice can a child make than to help an alleged billionaire and conman hold onto the reins of power a few more years?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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