LAKE SACDEDOUCHE, ALABAMA — Alabama’s governor has reportedly ordered her state’s Attorney General to investigate the constitutionality of prosecuting God for any miscarriages that happen in the state.
According to several sources close to Gov. Kay Ivey (R), she is not content just to sign one of the country’s most restrictive abortion bans, and has decided that fighting to protect unborn fetuses should be “taken to the Pearly Gates,” one aide said.
Attorney General Steve Marshall will begin looking into filing criminal charges against God in earnest next week, many sources are saying. Those same sources, though, are also saying Marshall won’t just try to prosecute the one, true, American God™, but because the First Amendment protects freedom of and from religion, he will also look into simply prosecuting the known and unknown universe as well.
“We all know that protecting unborn, developing fetuses is literally the most important job a government has,” one source in Marshall’s office, speaking on the condition of anonymity and Slim Jims told us, “but simply banning abortion at a ridiculously early stage in development, like twenty weeks, isn’t good enough. What about all the unborn fetuses that are aborted in what we’ve traditionally called ‘natural causes,’ huh? Well, some of us don’t think it’s natural for any human to die…unless they’re brown and live in a different country and you kill them when you drone strike a wedding party they’re attending. Or you know, once they’re born if they don’t have enough money to eat and shit.”
Though no one has yet to actually prosecute or sue God in state court, those closes to Ivey and Marshall say they “have no fucks to give” about that because “muh ded bebbes.”
“Look, we all know these moral crusades never work,” another source close to Ivey told us, “because look at it this way. Between 1980 and 2019 we’ve had about 30 years worth of conservative Republican presidencies, and even more of that time has been spent with a conservative majority in Congress and on the Supreme Court. And yet, no one has really lifted a finger to demolish Roe Vs. Wade in all that time? Why? Because Republicans use the culture war as a wedge issue to get campaign donations, but they need abortion to be legal as much as anyone does; do you think Republicans don’t knock up their mistresses? But still, we have to make it look like we care about muh ded bebbes, don’t we? That’s why Ivey and Marshall have no fucks to give about the legality of all this nonsense.”
This story will be updated as it develops.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.