Al Franken Offers to Fill-In for Gaetz While He Figures Out That Whole Sex Trafficking Thing

MINNESOTA — Former Senator Al Franken is reportedly open to taking over embattled Florida Republican Matt Gaetz’ congressional seat until his impending legal troubles subside.

In a letter sent to Gaetz, Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Florida’s governor and state legislatures, Franken says he’ll “gladly and willingly move to the state we know affectionately as America’s dangling dong” and serve out Gaetz’ current term. Congressman Gaetz has been entangled in a messy affair this week after bombshell reporting showed he is being investigated for sex trafficking a minor, among a host of other allegations. This morning, several outlets published details of the socially conservative Republican sharing nude photos of women he claimed to have had sex with on the House floor. The Failing New York Times published an article detailing receipts from cash transfer apps between Gaetz and a slew of women, in exchange for sex.

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“I remember how stressful it was back when I had my brush with a scandal, and how distracted from my job I felt like I was becoming,” Franken’s letter states. “I can only imagine how much harder it must be for you than it was for me, given that I was just in trouble for a clearly staged, jokey picture that was probably not appropriate, and you are a full-blown sexual predator and debased perv. But let’s not get into the weeds on this one, or actually in your case, let’s not get into the pre-sex-with-a-minor ecstasy, Matt.”

Franken’s letter indicates that he’s willing to move to Florida from Minnesota where he served as a Senator until pictures surfaced of him in a joking, but inappropriate pose with a woman while she slept during a USO tour. Franken and the woman had both been part of a group of entertainers sent to put on shows for the troops in Afghanistan, before he was even an elected official. After mounting pressure from his fellow Dems, Franken resigned his seat.

Heretofore, no Republicans have called for Gaetz to give up his House seat.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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