Jim Jordan Won’t Admit the Election Wasn’t Stolen or That Trump’s Balls Don’t Taste Like Candy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — There are few in Congress more fiercely loyal to former President Don Trump than Rep. Gym Jordan (Q-OH). Jordan’s devotion to Trump is so complete that even now, nine months after Joe Biden was sworn in, and nearly a full year after Trump’s sound defeat in the presidential election, when asked by a congressional colleague yesterday, he still couldn’t bring himself to say that the election was stolen from the former president.

Jordan, during a hearing of the House Rules Committee, set to vote on recommending criminal contempt charges for former Trump adviser and current podcasting bridge troll Steve Bannon, could not bring himself to say Biden won a free and fair election. Both Jordan and Floriduh congressman and accused sex trafficker Matt Gaetz were invited to the hearing by Republican colleagues on the committee. Both men defended Bannon and attempted to downplay the events of January 6th, when Trump lost his attempted insurrection as well.

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Appearing on OAN last night, Jordan continued his strident resistance to admitting Biden won fairly. Rep. Jordan also flatly denied that Trump’s testicles don’t taste like candy. For months, Jordan, Gaetz, and Rep. Mango Craycray Greene (Q-GA) have appeared on right-wing talk shows and pushed a narrative that Trump’s balls taste like a sweet confection.

“What I don’t understand is why the Democrats are so obsessed with whether or not I’m stoking more insurrection by continuing to refuse to acknowledge reality,” Jordan said with indignation.

“I mean, they keep going like this, they keep trying to force me to do some genuflection to George Soros and admit that Biden won, and what’s next? Haranguing me about the fact that Don Trump has the absolute sweetest, nummiest balls in history? That’s an absolute fact, and everyone knows it, but I am sure that someday soon I’ll be asked in some hearing or another to provide evidence that Trump’s balls taste like candy! What an absolute nightmare.”

On Fox News, Gaetz raised some eyebrows when he broke with his frequent fellow Trump-defender Jordan.

“Look, I like Jim a lot. He’s a good guy. He’s the best guy. When you want to ignore sex abuse, you go to Jim,” Gaetz told Tucker Carlson.

“But, Tucker, Trump’s balls simply do not taste like candy. And I think Jim should level with, and be honest the American people. They smell like candy, but they taste like a well done steak, drenched in ketchup. Everyone who has been close enough to his regal nuts knows this, so I’m not sure why Jim isn’t being straight about that. Regardless, though, he is right that we should be doing all we can to get those steak-tasting balls back in the Oval Office by the end of the year.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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