VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — The United States Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality almost five years ago, and it’s taken that long for God to “clear His backlog of mortal sins punishable by mass death,” televangelist Pat Robertson told people watching and listening to his podcast this morning. According to the aging evangelical, the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak is God “playing catch-up” and punishing America for the Supreme Court decision that allowed same-sex marriages to be federally recognized across all 50 states.
“Now, folks, I have to tell you something that’s been weighing on my mind for quite some time now,” Robertson said as he hosted his podcast this week, “and it’s about this coronavirus thing that we’re currently facing. You know me, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I do believe we brought this horrible, awful scourge upon ourselves. I’m sure you’ll all be surprised when I tell you that I think the coronavirus is God’s punishment for us.”
Robertson is convinced that the coronavirus was sent to Earth by God to punish America for same sex marriage being legal and for “giving the bird to God in general.” Though the Bible itself contains almost no direct references to homosexuality, Robertson is one of millions of American Christians who believes it’s expressly forbidden as a sin. Robertson said he believes “every gay that’s married to another gay raises God’s dander just a little bit more,” and that ultimately God lost patience with America and wanted to punish it for such a transgression as the 2015 Supreme Court decision that legalized gay marriage.
“This is very clear to me, folks, God has made it very clear to me,” Robertson said gravely. “The Supreme Court ruled to allow the gays to get married, and poof! Five years later we get this pandemic. It’s so obvious to me, and I’m sure it is to you. Let me ask you this simple question — was there a coronavirus outbreak in this country before we had gay marriage? I rest my case.”
Rev. Robertson admitted that it might “seem weird that God waited half a decade” to punish America, and that the outbreak didn’t start in the United States, where he says God’s wrath was intended to be felt. However, he said that’s “easily explained” for a number of reasons. For starters, Robertson posited, God’s a “busy deity” and “probably has a huge backlog” of sins to punish humanity for.
“The lord works in mysterious ways, we all know that. But maybe he also works on a time delay. Sure, it was over five years ago, but the Lord must’ve had a backlog of sins to punish us for,” Robertson declared. “I mean, just imagine the logistics of maintaining his wrath list! Five years to an all-powerful God isn’t even that long, really. He’s been around forever, so he blinks or sneezes or farts and a century or two have passed, I’m sure!”
Robertson also took the time to reiterate his past warnings to American Christians that they “keep their worship and adoration focused only on God and Jesus.” He said it could be “tempting as all get out” to start streaming shows constantly during the coronavirus lockdown, and one show in particular, on Disney+, has him particularly worried. The Mandalorian features a character known to fans as “Baby Yoda,” and last year Robertson warned of dire consequences for Christians who love both Baby Yoda and Baby Jesus.
“Baby Yoda may be cute. Baby Yoda might be adorable sipping that soup,” Mr. Robertson said, “but he ain’t gonna climb his little green butt onto a cross and die for your sins, fam. He’s just not. The Bible is very clear about this. No false idols. No gods before the main God. You take your eternal soul’s fate in your own hands when you worship this Baby Yoda character.” (Political Garbage Chute)
Reached for comment, Larry “God” Schumway told Heavenly reporters that he “has no idea what the fee-fi-fiddly-fo-fuck Patty is talking about.”
“I would not ever do something like that. Not after the whole flood incident nearly cost me my deity license,” God said. “Patty’s got some screws loose, that’s all I can say. I’d never unleash a pandemic to make a point. What do I look like some kind of crazy dictator? I mean, that could explain why Trump’s been kissing up to me lately, but, nah. This one’s not me, fam.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.