New Video Game Will Let Players Try to Make Josh Hawley’s Wife Cum for Once

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — A newly announced video game, currently under development at Soros Studios, will put players in charge of accomplishing a task that has proven quite elusive for one U.S. Senator.

Making his wife cum.

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“A lot of games make the title character go on what seems like an impossible quest, and we think our game will be one of the best examples of that paradigm ever published,” Soros Studios CEO Barry Soetoro told investors and reporters during a conference call this morning.

“What will make our game unique is the gameplay element that makes the quest unwinnable unless you play as anyone other than Josh Hawley. You’ll get a choice to play as him, or literally anyone else on the planet. Taking that second option unlocks special traits such as knowing what a clitoris is for, and not thinking female orgasm is a myth, promulgated by Big Feminism. Those powers make it almost impossible not to get Josh’s wife off.”

Sen. Josh Hawley (Q-MO) has many thoughts to share with the world on what is or is not masculine. However, according to a recent poll of Josh Hawley’s wife, less than 0% of Josh Hawleys are able to make her cum. Not even in the slightest. In fact, data suggests that Hawley isn’t able to find “where to put it” without his wife turning on the GPS she had installed in her vulva just for the purpose of guiding her husband inside her.

“As much as Sen. Hawley might think he knows about what real women want or how real men act, it would appear that he lacks the very rudimentary lover skills it takes to bring a lady to sexual climax,” Soetoro said.

“We hate to give away the game’s secrets before it’s even released, but really the formula for victory will be just that simple. Play as any of the billions of other characters in the game, and you’ll be able to help Mrs. Hawley bust a nut. But play as the Hawley character, and you’ll be stuck masturbating to your own Fox News appearances until you restart the game.”

The game, which has yet to be titled, will hit store shelves sometime early next year.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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