Recently Orphaned Ukrainian Grateful Glenn Greenwald Sticks Up for Tucker, Tulsi, and Putin

Less than a month ago, Russia began its illegal invasion of Ukraine, and in that time much devastation and destruction has been wrought. In the fog of war, getting accurate numbers is always a challenge, but independent reports are that the loss of civilian life has been quite staggering already.

Just days ago, an eleven-year-old Ukrainian girl, who we are calling “Maryia” in order to protect her identity, lost both her parents to Russian shelling. Maryia and her family were trying to flee to Poland — or anywhere else that would take them — and only she and her brother were able to get to safety. Speaking to reporters as she crossed into Poland seeking refugee status, Maryia confirmed that she is feeling depressed and grief-stricken about losing her parents, but when she was told that super-journalist Glenn Greenwald was on social media protecting the free speech of people who support Vladimir Putin and spout propaganda for him, Maryia breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

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“Oh, phew! That’s a relief! I am sure that the souls of my dead parents are resting just a little easier this morning, knowing that the World’s Most Ethical and Journalist-tastic Reporter is making sure that people don’t criticize Tulsi Gabbard, Tucker Carlson, or even Vlad Putin,” Maryia told reporters. “It of course doesn’t bring my parents back, and they were of course slaughtered by troops on Putin’s orders, but God knows that at a time like this, it’s very important to snidely remind people that Tucker has a right to spew his anti-Ukraine propaganda into the faces of pro-MAGA Americans all he wants.”

Maryia then closed her eyes and said a solemn prayer for her parents, but also added a one for Greenwald.

“Dear God, please take care of my parents. I miss them so much, and I hope they know I will live my life honoring them, the rest of my days,” Maryia prayed. “But, also, thank you for giving me Mega Journalist Glenn Greenwald, so that I could sleep easier every night, knowing that someone was making sure nobody said mean words about Tulsi Gabbard. Not on his watch. It definitely feels like he has a very humane perspective, doesn’t it?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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