It got ugly, it got heated, and sixteen hours later, three of President Donald Trump’s most loyal sycophants were not any closer to settling the debate. Now, as each participant heads home for the day, exhausted and hoarse, millions of Americans are still unsure what the answer to the question Chanel Rion, Sean Hannity, and Ted Cruz were trying to argue out, is, and they’re unsure when or if they’ll be able to draw any conclusions from their spirited debate.
That question? What, exactly, does Donald Trump’s taint taste like?
Clearly, all three — OAN’s Rion, Fox News’ Hannity, and Fuckface Land’s Cruz — have enough real-world experience with his presidential perineum to have an opinion, but none could find any common adjectives to describe its flavor. Rion, who is often seen barging her way into the press room, maskless, to make sure President Trump’s propaganda chief gets a nice softball question that, to President Trump at any rate, feels exactly like a soft but meaningful tug on his balls. Hannity spends hours each day devoted to sucking the president off both literally and figuratively. Cruz famously was forced to admit for four years just how disgustingly ugly his wife, Heidi is, out of loyalty and fealty to Trump.
So why can’t they come to an agreement about what Trump’s weld tastes and smells like? Because a taint is no different than a cheeseburger, and Trump’s taint has more in common with a juicy, hot, cheese and grease meat pile than you might think. The biggest obstacle in the three superfans’ way is simply agreeing on what, exactly, it is they’re tasting.
“I don’t care how many times you guys deny it,” Rion was overheard yelling, “I am telling you flat-out, I taste a distinct note of Quarter Pounder with cheese!”
Hannity wasn’t buying it.
“No way, Chanel! It’s Big Mac,” Hannity asserted emphatically. “Our Dear President doesn’t even eat Quarter Pounders anymore, after the Treasury Department told him it was a lot of work to put his face on the quarter instead of Washington’s.”
Sen. Cruz felt that both Rion and Hannity were “way, way off.”
“When I sidle up to his taint and get a good lick, I don’t taste hamberder at all, or even covfefe,” Cruz said. “I taste shame, and Putin’s dick. Don’t ask me how I know what Putin’s dick tastes like, but, trust. That’s what it tastes like to me, and I’m sticking with it.”
The White House did not respond to a request for comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.