WASHINGTON, D.C. — This year, the Trump administration has requested a large parade on Independence Day, featuring various vehicles and armaments used by the United States military force. While this sort of parade is usually conducted in more autocratic nations as a show of brute government and military force, President Trump’s defenders say that he’s just upholding the oath of office he took to protect and defend his ego from attacks both foreign and domestic.
“I think it speaks volumes that Obama had eight years to do this and never had the guts,” Sean Hannity told listeners to his radio show this morning. “After all those years of us calling him a wannabe dictator, it took Donald Trump, a Republican, to show him how to do the job right. Typical lib, am I right, folks?”
Reportedly, President Trump has sought out and found financial backers for the parade, in order to head off some criticisms over how much the military parade will cost.
“Big, big, bigly announcement, folks,” Trump tweeted, “I’ve found us some really great sponsors/backers for MY 4th of July parade. All you cucks out there complaining about the cost can KMA now, because Summer’s Eve and the Democratic Republic of North Korea will be kicking in for it now, losers!”
Summer’s Eve has long been a household name in products for female genitals, and that’s why Trump says he was “so stoked” when they came onboard. In a written statement, Summer’s Eve says that they are “excited to put our name on a festive and autocratic display of military force,” and that “teaming up with Trump makes a lot of sense” for the company.
“When someone hears the word ‘douchebag’ they already either think of us or him, so it’s a match made in heaven,” Summer’s Eve’s Deputy Jr. Media Chief Kim Camberly told reporters today. “Not to mention the fact that he grabs pussies and we clean them; we’re a dream team, really.”
The government of North Korea agreed to help cover the costs of Trump’s parade for two reasons, the president would later tell reporters in the Oval Office. The decision was made, apparently, during Trump’s visit to the DMZ with North Korean despot Kim Jong-Un.
“For starters, Kim Jong-Un told me that since his country has so much experience at these kinds of things, they feel an obligation to show me the ropes,” Trump said. “For seconders, they said, and I have no reason to not believe this, that because my penis is so totally normally shaped and sized that they wanted to honor it — my penis, I mean — in some fashion. Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth with my TOTALLY NORMAL dong-wanger?”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi gave guarded, cautious commentary on the situation.
“This is simply outrageous and every day this man does more to destroy the institutions our system of self-government has relied on for over two centuries,” Pelosi said. “And once I get the results back from the poll I’m conducting on whether or not to do anything about him, I’ll make my decision, as long as a large enough number of people want me to do the right thing. But to be fair, I might not be able to do anything since I’ll still be too busy wringing my hands over whatever it is I won’t do anyway.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”