COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster, singer/songwriter, and city council member Jethro Bohiggins, a red “Make America Great Again” hat perched perfectly atop his head, told a local reporter outside his home this weekend that he was angry and disappointed in Colin Kaepernick. The former NFL quarterback became a lightning rod for conservative outrage when, as a starter for the San Francisco 49ers, he chose to not stand when the national anthem was played. Bohiggins says Kaepernick’s “disrespect toward the brave men who fought to secure his freedoms” is further evidence that the country needs Donald J. Trump as president so he can help make the country great again.
“America is really terrible right now,” Jethro told the media, “what with the Black Lives Matter terrorists telling us we have to stop letting cops kill black suspects for no reason, the uppity gays getting the same exact rights we’ve enjoyed for 240 years, trans people wanting to poop and pee without an audience staring over their shoulder, and Obamacare ruining the economy every single day. America, frankly sucks ass right now. But that’s not an excuse for Kaepernick to sit down during our national anthem, because America is perfect!”
The reporter in attendance at the press conference, confused by Bohiggins’s seeming doublespeak, asked him about it.
“It’s not that hard to figure out here,” Jethro said, condescension dripping from his tone, “but maybe you libtarded lamestream media types have a hard time with simple concepts. So let me break it down for you.”
Jethro brought out a whiteboard with an American flag drawn on it.
“This is our flag,” Jethro said, “and it represents the greatest country to ever be.”
Jethro then drew the U.S. Capitol rotunda.
“And this,” he said, “is the evil disgusting government who is making America the worst country ever.”
Jethro then drew a football helmet.
“It’s not right for Colin Kaepernick to say America has problems,” Jethro said, “he’s not a white, conservative male. We’re the only ones allowed to say this country sucks, because we’re the only ones who truly get what America is about. It’s just that simple. America is perfect unless you’re a white conservative.”
The reporters asked Jethro for his thoughts on police brutality against members of the African-American community, the main reason Kaepernick stated for not standing during the anthem.
“What exactly gave Kaepernick the right to protest in this way,” Jethro asked, “even if I agree that the disproportionate number of black suspects that end up dead after interactions with police is somehow indicative of a larger problem. He’s simply not allowed to criticize this government and country of ours unless he knows what’s really bad about it. Since he’s not white or conservative, his opinion is already suspect and frankly borderline unconstitutional.”
Sensing that the reporters were going to ask it, Jethro immediately addressed if he’s racist.
“No, I’m not racist,” Jethro said, “I just think blacks are inherently more violent and poor because they have a cultural acceptance of being lazy thanks to welfare. Also I believe that they have too many broken homes, even though there are like, millions more broken white homes, but you know…HEY WHAT’S THAT SHINY OBJECT OVER THERE!”
The press conference ended abruptly as Mr. Bohiggins went running into the horizon, chasing after the shiny object that had caught his eye.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”