Trump Campaign Manager Promises His Boss Will ‘Keep America on the White Track’

CHANCHO BANCHO CANYON, ARIZONA — As he prepares the Donald Trump 2020 machine in Arizona — a state that has lost one of its Republican Senators since his boss took office — campaign manager Brad Parscale was seen coming out of a local grocery store. When approached by a reporter, he agreed to answer a few short questions as he loaded his food into the back of his car.

Mr. Parscale said he is “excited” to be involved in the 2020 campaign, and is “extremely, bigly proud:” of his achievements in the previous victory.

“We have to use words that the big guy uses like ‘bigly’ to make him feel less stupid,” Parscale said as he put a bag of Doritos in the front passenger seat to snack on while he drove back to his hotel. “But when you’re working for a doddering, old, entitled, spoiled trust fund racist and conman, dumbing your vocabulary down is one of the least terrible ways you sell yourself out for the sake of the almighty dollar, so it all comes out in the wash.”

Mr. Parscale was asked if he thinks that President Trump can pull off a second historic victory. Parscale confidently assured the reporters that his boss is capable of winning again. Trump’s base has “come to really count on trust” him, Parscale thinks.

“That’s because they know that Trump is the one guy to keep America on the white track,” Parscale said. “He understands how important our heritage and culture are. You know, our heritage of white supremacy and our culture of subjugating and stealing things from people of color? That heritage and culture.”

Parscale announced that the Trump campaign has “all sorts of fun events” planned leading up to next year’s election.

“Tiki torch parades, book bonfires,” Parscale listed, “just to name a couple. We’re going to really emphasize the rally part in our campaign rallies. Maybe make Americans think of another kind of rally they’ve seen a bunch of angry, scared, racist white Americans attend before. Only this time, they don’t have to worry about wearing hoods, because the MAGA hats do the same thing, and let us see their beautiful smiles, tooth and all.”

Another Story: Trump Asks For New Question Added On 2020 Census: “Are You Brown?”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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