Trump Asks President of Puerto Rico For Answers to Mueller’s Questions

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yet another bombshell has dropped on the Trump White House in relation to Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, and could be reasonably predicted, the president was not thrilled about it when he took to Twitter this morning.

In a pair of Tweets, Trump blasted the report in The New York Times that listed dozens of questions that Mueller is keen to ask Trump in relation to Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. Trump won that election because of the United States’ use of an Electoral College system, however every major intelligence agency in the country and several more throughout the world, have concluded that the Kremlin tried to directly influence the election in Trump’s favor. Mueller was appointed by the FBI after Trump fired the bureau’s former director, James Comey.

Mueller is attempting to ascertain, among many things, whether or nor Trump deliberately attempted to obstruct justice and bring the Russia probe to a conclusion in his decision to fire Comey. Trump’s tweets about Mueller’s questions — many of which deal with Trump’s state of mind and intent in regards to many of the stories and factors involved in the Russian meddling case — are seen below.

Despite his public outrage, sources within the White House that Maggie Haberman and the rest of the White House Correspondents Association will defend to the death despite being abused by them nearly constantly at press briefings, have told various media outlets that privately Mr. Trump is quite nervous about Mueller’s questions.

“How am I going to answer this goddamned questions, SARAH?! If I answer with any modicum of truth, it’ll look like I was obstructing justice, because, I mean, I totally was,” Trump said. “But also, a lot of the questions use super-duper big words! That’s bigly unfair to do to me!”

For hours, sources say, Trump and White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders brainstormed ways to get Trump out of answering Mueller’s questions. Trump’s attorneys were called into the meeting. None of them could come up with a way for Trump to get out of answering the questions and so the group pivoted.

“What if we have someone come up with the answers for you,” one of Trump’s lawyers suggested. “The only problem is who we could trust?”

Suddently, Trump farted, which is usually when his brain comes up with most of what he calls “ideas.”

“I got it! Oh boy do I got it! I know who to call,” Trump said. “The Ghostbusters! Just like in the song!”

After several intense hours, Trump’s aides were able to convince him the Ghostbusters weren’t real. Instead, Trump came up with someone else to ask.

“The President of Puerto Rico! They’re not doing anything down there without power anyway,” Trump exclaimed. “Let’s ask the President of Puerto Rico to answer Mueller’s questions!”

Sanders was the first to speak.

“Sir, that is an absolutely brilliant idea, which doesn’t surprise me because all your ideas are brilliant,” Sanders said as she brushed what looked like Cheeto dust off her chin and lips.

With the phone in his hand, Trump demanded his secretary put him contact with Puerto Rico’s president. Moments later, a mirror was brought to Trump by his secretary, who placed it in front of him.

“Hi, Mr. President,” Trump said to the President of Puerto Rico. “It’s me, the President of the United States, when Vlad says he’s too busy. Got a quick question for you.”

“Oh, Hi! Boy, you sound sexy, by the way,” the Puerto Rican president told his American counterpart. “And I can hear over the phone how natural your hair looks. What can I do for you, sir?”

President Trump laid out that he’d like to send the Mueller questions down to Puerto Rico, and have their president answer the questions.

“I can do that! For you, sir, I would do anything, and I really do mean that,” Puerto Rico’s president said.

President Trump stood up and raised his fists.

“That is great news! And just FYI, you sound pretty good looking too,” Trump told his Puerto Rican counterpart. “And super-duper intelligent. We should get together for drinks sometime. Maybe run a train on this hot little number I’ve had my eye on for over 30 years. What do you think?”

Puerto Rico’s president agreed to touch base with Trump once he’d finished answering Mueller’s questions and set up a meeting between the two.

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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